A Battle of Land and Sea
by Lionheart1
Summary: After Rinoa's father dies unexpectedly, she has to come to terms with it. With the funeral, and her wedding to Squall to plan, she hardly notices the strange things happening. The dreams.. the presents.. the strange phone calls.. Squall/Rinoa
1. Chapter 1

_Authors note: Finally, a new story. Yay. This is slightly different to anything I've ever done before, but it will still have a dark twist mixed in with it. I love writing dark stuff evidently. Erm.. yeah. Enjoy._

A Battle of Land and Sea

Chapter One

_So goodnight wherever you are sleeping_

_And I hope that if you dream, _

_If you dream,_

_You dream of me_

**Buffy Sainte-Marie "Goodnight"**

_Well its too late tonight_

_To drag the past out into the light_

_We're one but we're not the same_

_We get to carry each other_

_Carry each other_

_One_

**Johnny Cash "One"**

It was horrible. It clung to her with all its might, weighing her down. She could hardly breathe from the tension of this... disgusting thing. She looked down at herself, pulling a face at the hideous thing that was draped over her. It was awful, it made her feel ugly. She retreated within herself, no longer wanting to see what sort of beast she looked right now. What had she become?

Outside she could hear their muffled voices. They would be wanting to find her if she didn't face them sometime soon. But she couldn't face them, not right now. Not with this disgusting thing all over her. How had she allowed herself to be subdued to such things? That just wasn't in her nature. The voices were getting louder, she could sense their impatience. Maybe if she just stayed here hidden away from the world no one would find her. She didn't want anyone to see her right now, no one should be a witness to this.

"Rinoa?" the voice called out. "Are you there?"

She stayed as still as silent as possible, feeling her heart skip a beat. She dreaded to see the look on their faces, what if they never looked at her the same way again? She hugged her arms defensively to her chest, hoping the thin fabric shielding her away from the rest of the world would be enough to hide her. Surely they wouldn't come in and drag her out kicking and screaming? She didn't want them to see her. No, she would stay here as still and silent as she could in hope that they would leave her be. But this was a foolish thought, they already knew where she was. They would lie in wait until she made a sound, or tried to escape from this place.

"Come on, you've been ages" the voice called out again with an impatient tone. "I'll go in there in a minute, regardless of whether your naked or not!"

The young Sorceress let out a sigh, giving up the battle in her head. She gave herself a disgusted glance in the mirror, silently making a mental note to never let Selphie pick out dresses for her again. She looked like a really bad fairy tale Princess in the dress. With reluctance she pulled back the curtain of the dressing room and stared at the two women in front of her.

"Oh Rinoa… wow," the exuberant girl gasped with a slight squeal. She jumped excitedly and turned to the woman beside her. Rinoa found it unnerving how the shop assistant also shared Selphie's over excitable personality. It disturbed her, making it even worse when she came out the dressing room looking like a really bad Barbie doll.

"It's disgusting," the raven haired girl protested, holding her arms out by her sides. She was certain the two women were not seeing the same dress she was, they seemed to look at the dress with admiration as if it were the most beautiful dress in the world- and it was _far _from beautiful.

"It's really not that bad," the shop assistant responded before turning to Selphie to share the girls excitement. "Doesn't she look adorable?"

Rinoa glared at the two girls, and dared to face herself in the mirror once more. The dress was huge, it had so many layers of fabric making it puff out so much she could barely move in the fitting room. The sleeves were baby pink, matching the bulky flowers that spread over the entire dress like a disease. It really was the most awful dress ever. "How is anyone supposed to get married in something like this?" she said more to herself than the two women who were watching her intently.

"You're just too picky," Selphie interjected. "Honestly Rinoa, we've been trying to find the perfect dress for weeks. At this rate you're going to be walking down the aisle naked."

She smiled at her friends comment, "If it's a choice between this dress and the latter suggestion, I think going naked is much more appealing."

"That's sorted then!" Selphie squealed with a small jump. Rinoa looked at the girl as she often did, wondering how after all these years she was still the same Selphie. It seemed the girl never changed, even after four years time and circumstances hadn't tainted her carefree manner. She watched as Selphie let out a small laugh with one hand placed on the graceful bump that had formed dramatically over the last few months. It amazed her how Selphie took everything in her stride, never taking the time to let foolish fears and doubts get the better of her, even her unexpected pregnancy hadn't deterred her. If anything, the girl was even more excitable than she had ever been.

Rinoa smiled, proud that her friend had the ability to make everything positive. Her and Irvine were over the moon when they had found out about the pregnancy. It had shocked them all at how well Irvine had took the news, he had been just as excited as her. Once he had been a 'ladies man' as he had liked to be claimed, but in truth he had always been dedicated to Selphie. His affection for her had doubled since she had become pregnant, it made Rinoa happy to see things going so well for her friends.

She pulled back the curtain and began to change in to her normal and less hideous clothes. The dress was heavy and awkward to take off, she almost tripped over the thing. After succeeding with the battle, she glared at the dress, glad to be rid of the thing. Her features softened as she felt the silky texture of the dress in her hands, aware of the ring she could see on her finger. It was hard to believe, after all these years she was actually getting married. It was something that terrified her and made her feel on top of the world at the same feeling, the two contrasting emotions only making her feel nauseous at the thought. Even trying on the dress, as ugly as it was, made her feel like she were in some sort of fairy tale.

As odd as it may seem, she had never had that fantasy that so many young girls have where they picture their own weddings. She had thought back many times when she had spoke about these sorts of things with people - normally Selphie - and she could never recall having such memories. Sure there had been the phases of horses, and wanting to be a Princess, but never a wedding. Somehow the notion had never seemed to be a big thing in her life. She'd wanted to get married, she had always loved the beauty of weddings which she had attended. But that was the difference, in her head it had always been _other _people getting married, not herself. She smiled at her own foolishness, knowing that she should follow in Selphie's footsteps and just enjoy the moment. Perhaps that was why it was hard to find the perfect dress, why she was being a perfectionist in every part of her wedding planning. The whole idea made her feel awkward, but it felt like something she had missed out on when she was younger. That yearning to have the fairy tale wedding, the kind that only a child could imagine.

Stepping out of the fitting room she faced her friend once more who was patiently waiting for her, and gave her an apologetic glance. The poor girl had been dragged around countless shops for weeks, waiting patiently for her to pick out and try a dress on, only to get the same reaction. She didn't like any of the dresses.

"Don't give me that look," Selphie responded, knowing what her friend was thinking. She'd heard the same speech from Rinoa over and over, they'd got to a point where she knew what she was going to say. "It's fine, we'll find you a dress. Just got to keep searching! There are hundreds of dresses here."

"Thanks Selphie," Rinoa said with a smile. She began walking to where a rail of dresses where hung, but stopped in her tracks as she heard a ringing. A few other customers and staff members nearby gave her an annoyed glance as they watched her take the phone out of her pocket and inspect it. "What does Squall want?" Rinoa thought out loud as she saw his name light up on the screen. Before she had chance to answer, the phone was taken from her hands and abruptly turned off by Selphie. Rinoa gave her a curious glance, confused by the girls sudden actions.

"You can talk to Squall later," she said, putting the phone in her own bag. "Right now, you've got a perfect dress to find and you need to find one soon. So lets go!"

Rinoa laughed at her friends firm tone, before once again turning to the rail of dresses with a new determination. She didn't think about the phone call again for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

The two girls stepped off the train in their own world of idle conversation, they hardly noticed the man stood waiting for them. He watched silently as the two girls continued to talk, too lost in their own jokes and comments that they didn't realise what would be coming to them next. He let out a nervous sigh, relieved to finally be able to tell her the news, he'd been trying to get in contact with her all day. He knew it would be hard, Rinoa and Selphie shopping together was their own little ritual and while they were together it was impossible to speak to either of them. He looked sadly at Rinoa seeing the smile on her face, he knew that what he had to say next would ruin that beautiful smile of hers.

It was Selphie who was first to notice him, she stopped in her tracks and looked over her shoulder pulling Rinoa to look in her direction. The brunette looked slightly confused for a moment before her face shifted into the bright face that she always wore. "Hey Squall," she waved excitedly dragging Rinoa with her. She looked at the couple, switching her glance from Squall then back to Rinoa. "I've returned your favourite fiancée safe and sound especially for you."

Rinoa let out a little giggle, "His only fiancée we should hope," she pointed out to Selphie. She looked from her friend back to Squall and raised an eyebrow, expectant for him to join the conversation. Instead she got an awkward glance from the commander, he looked serious. Troubled. She wasn't sure if he was annoyed at something, she tried to think back to what she could have done to put him in this mood. She hated seeing him serious, it reminded her of the troubled teenager she had first met. Their relationship had been hard for the first year, it took a lot of patience for both to adjust to each other. Squall had been very reserved at the beginning, but over time that had worn away. He was happy, just like the others. He could joke around in his own way just like the rest of them, and at the same time he could be just as serious and dedicated as the student he once was when he was at work. But now, seeing the change in his usual demeanour towards her made her feel uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" was what she found herself saying, any previous happiness now washed away from her features.

Selphie let out an awkward cough, taking the hint that this wasn't her place to be. "I'm gonna go," she said to the couple. She gave Rinoa a quick hug, and whispered good luck in her friends ear before leaving. She knew they would be fine, they always were. Rinoa and Squall were just stubborn at the best of times, they were renowned to have their domestics. They always blew over quickly, the problem was both was just as stubborn as the other. She made her way from the train station, leaving the couple alone to sort out whatever was wrong.

"I've been trying to call you all day," Squall said once Selphie was out of ear shot.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise you'd want me urgently. You knew I was going shopping for dresses," Rinoa defended, hoping Squall wasn't angry with her. He was never angry at such trivial things, they always allowed each other enough space. His behaviour seemed foreign to her. "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad," Squall said placing an arm around her waist. He looked down at Rinoa, wishing he could get the words out that he needed to say but not sure how to approach the subject. He didn't want to bring bad news, but today was out of his hands. He could see Rinoa looking at him, she knew when there was something on his mind. It was something he knew annoyed her a lot, but she was always patient enough to let him speak when he felt ready too.

"Do you want to walk or sit down somewhere?" Rinoa suggested, wanting to get away from the trains and the crowds of people. She had a sinking feeling in her stomach when she saw the look on Squall's face. If he was going to say something she didn't like, then she'd rather be anywhere away from the platform on which they stood.

"No, we need to stay here," Squall stated. The look he got from Rinoa told him he needed to tell her now, and he needed to fast. Dropping his arm from her waist he let out a sigh, not sure how his next words would affect her. "I got a call from Deling Hospital earlier. Your father was rushed into hospital earlier this morning, they've tried to keep him stabilised, but his condition is getting worse. I've been trying to get in contact with you, because we need to go to the hospital. You need to go now."

Rinoa looked at him, her face showing an array of emotions. He watched as her eyes grew wide with fear, then to shock and then her face would drop with a look of sadness to it. It was a circle of emotions, and it hurt him to watch her like this. "What do you mean?" she asked, he voice was soft and innocent.

Squall cleared his throat, watching as the train pulled in to the station. He pointed towards the direction of the approaching vehicle. "That's the train we need to get on. We can't miss it, I've already got the tick-"

"Tell me what you mean," Rinoa interrupted, her voice stern. He looked Rinoa in the eyes and found himself shocked at what he saw. He saw nothing, she looked empty. Emotionless. It was like he was telling her he couldn't find his pen. Her face was hard and cold. He'd never seen her look like that, and seeing it made it even harder for him to speak his next words. From behind her the train had come to a stop, he watched as the doors hissed open and passengers exited the train.

"They said…" he began. He found himself looking at the floor, unable to look at her. "They said if you want to go and say goodbye, you should come as soon as possible. They don't think he'll last the night."

Daring himself to look at her again, he saw her features had softened slightly but still held those same emotionless eyes. She gave him a small nod of acknowledgment, showing she understood his words. "Are you coming with me?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Of course I am," Squall responded holding up the two tickets in his hand.

"Lets go then," Rinoa said turning on her heels and making her way to the train. She walked with a determinism in her step, Squall could only follow behind. He suddenly felt even more uncomfortable around Rinoa. It felt odd, but he wanted her to cry. Maybe get angry. He wanted her to just do _something. _Anything but the cold look on her face, it as if she hadn't just been told her Dad was going to die.

Reluctantly he followed her into the train, suddenly wishing he didn't have to get in the SeeD car. It was so spacious, so… empty. As he stepped inside the train he could only stand against the wall as he saw Rinoa staring out of the window and watching the people walk along the platform. He stayed still and silent as the doors of the train closed and the train began to rock in its soothing rhythm as the scenery before them became nothing more than a world of green fields.

He heard Rinoa release a long sigh as she pressed her forehead to the window, feeling the soothing coldness of the glass. She stayed there a long time, he wasn't sure if she had begun to cry, he certainly couldn't hear her cry. But her body was stiff and rigid, her form looked forlorn. He began to make his way towards her, to maybe embrace her and try to be there for her through the grief. He reached her and placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder. She brought her head away from the glass and turned to him, for a moment there was a sadness present in her eyes, just seeing it made Squall feel a little relieved. She raised a hand to stroke his cheek and smiled at him.

"Open the door," she pointed out looking at the door behind them. "There's a nice room through there with sofas and everything and you're making me stand out here."

Seeing her playful tone, Squall looked confused for a brief moment but decided for now to simply do as she said and opened the door for her. It brought back memories of his first times with her, he could almost bring himself to believe Selphie would be stood back in the corridor singing along to herself. It felt odd, but being with Rinoa now felt like he was that same awkward teenager he had been back then. He didn't know how to act around her now. What could he say to her? If she just wanted to act like everything was normal should he just go along with it and not remind her where they were going? Although his profession meant that there were quite a few deaths, he had never had someone close to him die, all of this felt foreign to him. What was he supposed to do for her now? He did the only thing he could for her right at that moment; he followed her.

As soon as Rinoa sat on the sofa she felt a great relief hit her, when she had been told the news her entire body had felt like jelly. She felt weak and tired, like everything was a big effort and all she really wanted to do was go home and just sleep. It was probably a horrible thing to even think, but it felt like an effort going to Deling. She knew that this was not the case, that it was just her being reluctant to face everything. Sometimes it was easier just to act like nothing bad had happened, because then she didn't have to face the consequences. She didn't even know how she felt, her first instinct was that Squall was wrong. Her father had been through so many wars, been so hard working, he couldn't just die. Not her Dad. If she had ever imagined at all what her parents death would be like, she had thought it would be a lot later on in life. Her mother's death was bad enough, losing her just before she had turned five. Now she was losing her Dad at twenty-one. She felt so young, certainly not old enough to be all alone in the world. To be parentless. The thought scared her, she didn't want to think about it. Not now, not until she was a lot older with children of her own who knew their granddad.

She was grateful when she saw Squall sit down next to her, at least now she had a distraction away from the thoughts and fears she didn't want to face up to. She looked at him and gave him a small smile, knowing that he looked just as confused as she felt inside. Perhaps this was too selfish of her, she could see how hard it was for him to tell her everything and now she had simply shut down and acted like nothing had happened. Because she was a coward. Because she knew the moment she opened her mouth to speak the words out loud it would become real. It wouldn't be a mistake. It wouldn't be a dream anymore. She would put off that reality for as long as possible. Her stomach twisted within her as she thought about what it would be like once she got in the hospital. The journey to Deling wasn't very long, so she didn't have as much time as she needed to prepare herself and be ready for what she was going to face. But then, would there ever be enough time?

She squeezed Squall's hand and looked him in the eyes, hoping that he could read her thoughts. That he could understand the words that she didn't want to say. That she couldn't say it out loud, not just yet. He gave her a slightly confused but accepting look in return. She knew he couldn't understand what was happening, what was going through her mind. In truth she had so many emotions running through her. She was upset, confused and angry at the same time as feeling happy.

"I have a present for you," she spoke up, rummaging through her bag and bringing out a white box and passing it to Squall. It was a thought that had just dawned on her, and maybe now wasn't the time for her to show him, but she needed something, _anything _to take her mind off of everything. She watched as he held the cardboard box in his hands for a moment, looking at her before opening it. She let out a giggle as she saw the smile appear on his face. "I thought it would look good on top of the cake."

Squall kept his eyes on the two small figures in the box. The sight of them brought a nervousness to him as he looked at the delicately made bride and groom complete with a gunblade in hand. They were Squall and Rinoa, and they were going to be sat proudly on top of their wedding cake on they day they marry. It made everything so much more real, he was actually going to marry Rinoa. "It would look perfect," he said with a smile.

He looked back up to Rinoa to see her features a lot more serious. It was a strange sensation, she had thought that showing Squall the figurines would have made her feel better and helped her to forget where they were going for a brief moment. It did make her forget, but it also made her feel guilty for being happy. How could she be happy and actually laugh out loud at a time like this? Somehow trying to make herself happy had made everything so much worse. When she looked out the window, Rinoa could see that the outskirts of Deling City were coming into view. They were nearly there. She looked wide eyes at Squall, seeing he understood what was happening as he wrapped an arm around her.

"Are you scared?" he asked, but both of them knew he wasn't talking about the wedding.

Rinoa nodded her head, "Terrified." She rested her head against Squall's shoulder, her gaze lowered to the floor how she tried her hardest to think of nothing. She tried with all her might to think of something, anything other than what her thoughts were lingering towards. She couldn't handle this. Not right now.

The voice of the train driver echoed throughout the train, informing passengers that they would soon be arriving in Deling station. Any other day it would be something that she would listen to and not think anything of, but today hearing it felt like a sharp stab. It told her that she couldn't hide anymore. It told her that she needed to face up to it, the time was coming for her to say goodbye. She turned to Squall then with wide eyes, as she felt terrified and panicked by the new role that she had been forced with.

"I can't remember the last time I spoke to my father… I can't remember the last time I called him 'Dad'," she said as the first tear made its way down her cheek. "What the hell am I supposed to say to him? How am I supposed to act when for as long as I can remember, all we've been doing is arguing?"

Squall pulled her close, as he saw the first buildings travelling past the window of the train as it made it's way to the station. He turned his gaze back to her, there had only been one tear, she had composed herself a little better though he wasn't sure how. "Tell him the things you feel about him. Maybe you'll be able to sort your relationship out."

"What if I end up arguing with him again?" she asked, her voice small. "I don't want my Dad to die alone and upset because of me."

The train pulled to a stop at the station and Squall turned to Rinoa. "You won't," he said placing a kiss on her forehead. He stood to his feet, bringing Rinoa reluctantly up with him. "Just do what feels right."

Rinoa nodded as they both made their way out of the train and into the station, she wasn't quite sure what would feel right once she got to the hospital. What if it felt right to run away? She pushed the thoughts away as they walked out of the train station, feeling the cold evening hit her and making her shiver. She grabbed hard onto Squall's arm like a frightened child as he led her towards the direction of the hospital. She could see it ahead of them, feeling her heart pounding in her chest as she approached it. Her steps became slower and more reluctant. She felt confused. She wanted to stop and go back to Balamb, but at the same time she wanted to run through the hospital doors and make her way to her Dad as a new fear came over her. What if she was too late? What if he had gone before she had got there? The thought didn't comfort her in the slightest. Would she really feel any better knowing that the last memories he would have had of her would be bad? She couldn't live with herself if she didn't resolve things with him, for the first time in years she wanted to speak and make peace with him. It made her feel like a child, but she wanted her Dad right now.

They approached the entrance of the hospital, just seeing the white interior made her mouth go dry. Once inside she felt the walls close in on her, she felt claustrophobic and pressured. All the time she was thinking to herself, she wasn't ready for this. She shouldn't have to face up to this, not until she was a lot older. He was supposed to die when he was in his eighties, just like a lot of people did.

She found herself being led to the reception where a woman sat at the desk and gave her a warm smile asking if she could help. Rinoa opened her mouth to try to speak but found that she couldn't, it was hard to concentrate on anything, all she could think of was the panic and fear that was pounding through her veins. The pounding was so loud she could hardly hear anyone. She hardly noticed Squall speaking to the receptionist for her, as they were given directions to go to. As they walked down the long corridors she didn't take the time to notice the white walls or the sterile smell of a hospital that always made her feel nervous. She hated hospitals. A new thought came to her, it had been somewhere in this hospital where seventeen years ago she had gone to visit her mother before she had died. Of course then she had been too young to understand what was happening. A part of her still yearned for the childish innocence she had had back then at saying goodbye to her mother. Back then she had said it like she was leaving for the night and would be back to see her in the morning. The shock had been when she didn't see her again, but that innocence had led her to believe for a long time that her mum wasn't gone, that somewhere she was still there in the hospital maybe. But now she was here in the very same hospital, knowing exactly what death was and what it meant. She was petrified.

"Miss Caraway?" the voice broke her from her thoughts, she found herself staring dumbly at the doctor stood in front of her.

"Sorry," she said trying to look more composed, as she saw the look of confusion in the doctors eye. "Please, call me Rinoa."

"Okay, Rinoa," the doctor started, he put out his hand for Squall and Rinoa to shake giving them both a sympathetic look. "I'm Dr. Zane, I've been the one who had treated your father since his illness was first detected. We've all tried our best to stop it from spreading any further, but I'm afraid we couldn't do anymore. I'm sorry, we've made him as comfortable as we can for you."

Rinoa looked startled at the mans words. "His illness?" she asked thoughtfully. "He doesn't have any illnesses."

The doctor looked at Rinoa slightly confused. "Your father came into hospital just over a month ago very ill, we found cancerous cells had spread quite severely throughout his body. Sometimes these things don't manifest into proper symptoms until its too late. We've given your father all the treatment he could, but the cells have spread too fast and too far."

Rinoa gave a small nod, still feeling extremely confused. He had cancer, and he had never told her. Had they really grown that far apart that he hadn't even bothered telling her what was wrong with him? The thought made her feel hurt and angry. She wanted to demand why he had never bothered telling her, but knew that she had to compose herself. She wasn't going to argue with him anymore, she couldn't. Instead she turned to the doctor. "How long has he got left?" she asked.

"His condition had been deteriorating rapidly since he was brought in today," the doctor explained. "I don't think it will be much longer. You should go visit him, he's through that door right there. He has been asking for you all day."

Rinoa looked at the door, through its small window she could see a figure in the bed. She pulled her attention away from the door and back to the doctor. "Thank you," she said. She turned to Squall who stood silently behind her and squeezed his hand for comfort. She knew she had to do this alone, this was for her to face herself.

The blinds were pulled closed in the room but she could see through the small window in the door that it was dark in there. She forced herself the steps she needed to take to get towards the door and placed her hand on the door handle. She felt its cool and smooth texture, twisting it slightly in her hands. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and made her way inside.

The first thing that caught her attention was the nurse that was beside his bed, the woman straightened out the bed sheets and said something to her resident. She turned and gave Rinoa a sympathetic smile before making her way quietly out of the room. It was then Rinoa saw the man in the bed looking at her, for a moment she hardly recognised his features. She stood still by the door in fear of the man before her, at the same time feeling stupid for such a childish reaction.

"Rinoa," she heard her father's voice call out, it sounded weak, but it still sound like him. He held his hand out for her. "Rinoa please," his voice pleaded.

It was then Rinoa felt herself soften as she made her way towards him. He held his outstretched hand as she sat on the seat beside the bed. "Why didn't you tell me you were ill?" she asked, her voice cracking as the tears finally escaped. She wept, holding his cold hands firmly against her cheek. "I could have helped you. Why didn't you let me know?"

"I'm so sorry," the General whispered, wiping his own tears away with one hand and hers with the other. "Please don't cry, Rinoa."

Rinoa placed a kiss on his hand and looked at him. She knew that she could get angry that he hadn't told her, she could sit and demand an explanation as to why he hadn't told her. But she knew that would do no good, there were too many other things running through her head that she needed to tell him, things she probably needed to ask him. She had so many things she needed to say, but right now she could only sit and say nothing. She looked down at him in the bed, noticing how pale his face was and how his hair had thinned out since she had last seen him. His skin felt so cold against her, she held his hand more tightly against her as if giving him some warmth would help him. The only machine to help him was a mask that he wore around his neck to give him oxygen if he needed it. The doctors had given up on him, there was nothing anyone else could do for him. No matter how hard she'd try, how much she could scream and shout, the outcome would still be the same.

"How are you feeling?" she asked sounding more stable than she felt.

Caraway thought for a moment, "I've been a lot better," he said with a slight smile, then he voice took on a more serious tone. "It hurt before but now I can't really feel a lot. I just feel tired."

Rinoa nodded, stroking his face. "I'm sorry," she said squeezing his hand tightly. "I've spent far too much time of my life angry at you for things that weren't your fault. We've argued when we probably should have just stopped and appreciated what we had together. What time we had together. I feel like a horrible person. I don't deserve to be called your daughter."

The General shook his head, "Don't say things like that," he responded. "It doesn't matter about the past, what's done is done. Just concentrate on now, I don't want you to feel bad about what happened. It's my fault too remember."

Rinoa nodded silently wiping away a stray tear. "I just don't want you to have bad memories of me."

"I don't," he responded. "You've always made me proud, you still do. I don't know why I never told you before."

"You mean that?" Rinoa asked with a smile as he nodded. She watched as he seemed to struggle for a moment, he breathed through the oxygen mask. "You're in pain," she said, once again fear striking through her. She watched helplessly as he began to look more pale, as if the life in him was slowly being drained.

"I've waited all day just to see you," he said quietly. "I couldn't give up, not until you came. I just needed to tell you that I love you."

"Don't," she said, sensing his struggle inside. He was slipping away, she could see it through the glaze in his eyes. "Don't leave me," she cried.

"You'll make Squall very happy, and everyone else around you," he spoke as he raised a shaking hand to stroke her hair, his arm dropped just as it touched her hair. His face looked exhausted as he looked up at her. "Listen… Listen for me on the tree." he said.

Rinoa watched with wide eyes as she heard his breathing slow down. She grabbed his hand tightly, just hoping that anyone could do something to help him. She didn't want him to die. Through teary eyes she placed a kiss on his forehead. "Goodnight Daddy," she whispered. She looked down into his face and saw a small smile as he looked up at her. Then his breathing stopped.

She cried for a long time, leaving her head on his chest still holding his hand tightly. She didn't care how much time had passed, she didn't want to leave him here all alone. She barely noticed when the nurse came in and recorded the time of death. It wasn't until she felt Squall next to her and wrap his arms around her that she raised her head from her dad's chest for a moment. She looked at Squall with red eyes as she realised the one thing that she needed to ask him. The one thing that would have let her move on happy with her life. His approval.

"I forgot to ask him to go to the wedding," she said, looking back at her father before crying again. "I never got the chance to invite him."


	2. Chapter 2

A Battle of Land and Sea

Chapter Two

_Night falls,_

_I fall,_

_And where were you?_

_And where were you?_

_I fell into the moon,_

_And it covered you in blue_

**Angie Hart - Blue**

There was a warmth to the blue sky above. It was a beautiful sky, the kind of sky you only looked at and really appreciated when life really was content. The green field was set alight by the bright sun and the endless canvas of blue above her, yet there was something haunting about this scenery. As much as it looked like it held a comforting warmth, the reality was far from true. It all seemed far too perfect. It sent shivers down her spine, the feeling that something wasn't quite right engulfed her being. Nothing was quite right, was it?

She hadn't noticed that her feet had taken on a role of their own, making their way through the haunting yet serene scenery. She walked for a long time in this endless sea of green and blue, walked until it seemed that there would be nothing more to reveal when eventually she found herself passing a group of trees stood tall and swaying slowly to a breeze that was not there. There was no wind, there was no heat from the sun above, only a strange feeling that came from the land in which she walked in.

Her feet came to an abrupt halt as she found herself face to face in what appeared to be a garden. She saw a large house behind her but took no notice of it. The endless green that she had previously walked upon had now disintegrated into a garden surrounded by tall trees. In front of her were an array of fold up tables and chairs covered in a paper table cloth which was attached to the table by pegs in case a strong wind were to blow everything away. If of course, a strong wind existed in this strange land.

There were plastic cups and plates placed around the table with balloons hung from each chair. At the centre of one of the tables was a birthday cake where five candles were lit, but there was no one there to blow them out. This was evidently set up for a birthday party, all of the food and drinks were here but there was no one there to celebrate, no birthday girl or boy to be the centre of attention for the day. Everything was all set up to be used, but there was no one here to us it. It was empty. Void of any life.

A shifting noise disrupted her saddened gaze and she suddenly felt that she was not alone anymore. She wanted to turn around and see where the noise was coming from, maybe people had arrived for the party, but she found she couldn't find the strength to move her own body. So she stood still, finding that even when she tried she couldn't move a muscle, she could only listen to that strange shuffling sound coming from behind of her. It seemed distant at first, only a short quiet sound every so often. If it wasn't so silent she probably wouldn't have even noticed it, but in the still silence it was more alive than ever. In the silence it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end when she heard the sound become more frequent, and eventually a little louder. A little closer.

Then came that awful sound. It was a deep vibrating sound at first, but then it turned into a louder more chocked wailing sound. It was a sound that became louder, more disturbing as she heard it coming towards her. Again that shuffling sound came a little closer, the sound of something moving closer to her. She tried with all her might to move her body, no longer wanting to look around her but to run away from the thing behind her. She didn't dare try to see what was behind her.

_Wail. Shuffle. _Those were the sounds that haunted her throughout her sudden paralysis and it became more frequent as the sounds came closer to her, as if it had found its prey and was now closing in on her. She found herself stood as tense as her frozen body would allow, waiting for the thing to catch up with her. Maybe it would grab at her from behind and kill her. Perhaps it would come right up behind her. She didn't want to wait to find out, but found that there was nothing else she could do. _Shuffle. Shuffle. _

She felt her entire body trembling in fear, she even tried to scream but found that she couldn't. She could only stand and listen to that awful sound of something horrible closing in on her, and just as she was sure she could hear if right behind her, sure she could feel its warm stinking breath on the back of her neck she felt something release in her body and her feet took over once again. Before she knew it her legs were running as fast as they could taking her away from the shuffling wailing thing.

A gap appeared in the trees that had once surrounded her, and she almost expected to be back in that empty land of green and blue. Disappointment and fear took over as she ran through the trees and found she was back in that same garden. She hadn't ran in a circle had she? No, she had simply run straight forward, but somehow she was back where she started. This place was teasing her, preying on her fear as she stood in that quiet garden once more listening out for the shuffling. She listened out for that horrible sound, but nothing ever came.

It was then that she noticed the change in front of her. The once neat table set out and waiting for people was now destroyed. The tables and chairs lay battered and forlorn in various places of the garden as if they had been tossed aside in a rage. The tables were tipped over with food and drink spilt all over the floor. Melted ice cream trickled down one of the tables and made a pool on the grass as if it were an open wound. And somehow, she couldn't help feeling that this was a war ground. Even as she saw a single red balloon floating helplessly in the sky away from the garden, she couldn't help feeling that something terrible had happened here and a sadness filled the air. Faintly, very far in the distance she could still hear that wailing sound.

* * *

She awoke to the muffled wailing noises in her mind, her body shook awake and then relaxed again as she realised the horror she had just witnessed had been nothing more than a bad dream. For a while she drifted in and out of sleep, every so often her mind wondered about that thing in the garden that had stood behind her. She thought back to the war ground of the destroyed party, and finally to the balloon that had floated up into the sky. Somehow that floating red balloon brought a sadness to her when she pictured it in her minds eye. She had felt an empty kind of sadness in her dream, hadn't she? The realms of sleep were fading away as her eyes fluttered open and she found that the dream had become more scrambled already and she could no longer remember, but she still felt on edge at the fear she had previously felt.

Closing her eyes once more she let out a long sigh silently reminding herself that it was just a dream, nothing more. She almost began to drift back off into a light sleep when her eyes snapped wide open as more memories began to come clear. Something had happened last night. All at once memories of the previous night came flooding back towards her, she remembered the hospital. Her Dad.. He was ill. He… he was dying.

"_Listen… Listen to me on the tree…" _

Rinoa sat up in the bed and placed her head in her hands as the reality dawned on her in a meteor shower. For the second time, her world came crashing down as if the news had once again been revealed to her. How could she forget about last night? She had been there for hours sat holding her fathers hand, taking in everything she could take from her last moments with him. She stayed with him, stroking his face and hands until there was no more warmth left in his skin. She stayed for as long as she could until his face turned more pale than she had ever seen and his lips weren't as pink as they usually were. She stayed until it became unbearable to be with him any longer.

It had taken all of her strength to leave the hospital, she felt drained of all of her strength finding it a challenge to even walk a few steps. Her eyes stung from crying so much, she could barely see through her tear filled eyes. Squall had said that there was a vacancy for them at the hotel nearby, but she had insisted that they travel all the way back to Balamb. It was a long journey that she really didn't want to take, her body was far too tired for it but she felt like she couldn't be here anymore. As soon as she stepped outside of the hospital she felt it - everything here was him. Deling City was were heworked and lived, it was were he should be. But he wasn't here anymore, and she didn't want to be reminded of where he _should _be.

Faintly in the distance she heard noises coming from the bathroom and realised that Squall was up already, soon to start work, although she hardly registered it. Her mind was too far away, going through the events over and over in her mind just like she had done when she lay awake in bed last night, she didn't even think she would get any sleep at all. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself as if it would bring her some comfort. It only made her senses come to life as she smelt her fathers cologne on her skin, the smell bringing back youthful memories of a time when she had a father who had always been around. In her mind she could picture his face, she could hear his voice so clearly, his scent seemed so strong. How was she supposed to come to terms with what had happened, that he was gone, when right now he seemed more alive, more _here_ than he had ever been before?

Closing her eyes tightly, she tried to fight the lump in her throat. She told herself it was all just a bad dream, that it wasn't real, as a vain attempt to make herself feel better. She felt confused and alone. It was as if she wasn't herself anymore, like she couldn't be herself when all she wanted to do was act as if nothing had happened to her. Would people even understand that that was what she wanted? She doubted it. She knew that the natural reaction was to cry and grieve, but right now she wanted nothing more than for her life to be back to normal. She didn't want to smell him on her, she didn't want to sit and fight against the tears that were threatening to fall and feel that empty sadness within her.

The click of the bathroom door was a welcome distraction and she lifted her head as she heard the footsteps of her fiancé walking towards her. She smiled, not only as seeing him, but also thanking him for coming him and settling the lump in her throat. For now, she had won the battle over her emotions, she just hoped it stayed that way at least for a while.

"You're going to work?" She observed as she noticed his uniform, it was said more as a distraction. She needed a bit of normality at least for a brief moment, she could tell by the look in his eye that he was thinking about the night before. If she could, she would take the conversation away from the topic she didn't want to think about.

The mattress shifted as Squall sat down facing Rinoa, a guilty feeling within him. "I figured you were going to be asleep for quite a while so I was going to do some work for an hour or so," he explained. "Cid told me to have the day off with you, if you want I don't have to-"

"You can go," she responded. "I'm not planning on moping around all day anyway."

The look she got from her comment left her feeling annoyed and she felt an anger slowly rising within her. She couldn't help but feel like he wanted to see her cry and be upset, like everyone else expected her to be hurt so that they could spill their sympathies onto her. What if she wanted to get on with her life and not let this bring her down? Why did she have to act the way everyone else expected her to?

"Are you sure?" Squall said, shock and disbelief present in his voice. His reaction made her anger rise a little further, but she bit her tongue not wanting to cause any arguments today. There was no point in speaking her mind when he obviously didn't understand what she was going through. He was trying his hardest to understand, and was trying to be there for her, she scorned herself at how selfish she was sounding in her own mind.

"I'm sure," she said calmly after a moments silence. "You don't have to worry about me."

Reluctantly he nodded, although his eyes still showed that same confusion. He stayed quiet for a brief moment unsure of what to say, not sure what he _could _say. Was there some sort of unwritten rule to this sort of thing? He wasn't sure anymore. She certainly wasn't reacting the way anyone would expect, but then she _was _Rinoa. She wasn't like anyone else he had ever met. He always found himself interested in the way she was.. She was strange, he knew that. And that was why he wanted her to be his wife.

"You know we're all going to be here for you, don't you?" he spoke finally. He didn't wait for her to respond, he could tell that she probably didn't want to talk about it too much just yet by the way she was looking at him. He found himself feeling self conscious when he spoke, planning each word cautiously and feeling even more uncomfortable. "Cid broke the news to everyone last night… It's going to be world news about him, Rinoa. By the time you get up everyone in Garden is going to know. We're in a military school, and your father is a General, so people will know.. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Rinoa nodded her head, feeling a little sorry for the man in front of her. She could tell he was being as gentle as possible but his words still cut deep. She had thought that she could escape everything by continuing on with her life as normal, but the truth was, everyone would know about it. People would be talking about it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be around people who would look at her and know what had happened. The thought of it made her feel ill, she only hoped that it didn't make things change. She wanted her life to be normal, not everything to change around her because of one bad thing that had happened. Most of the students here were orphans, she almost found it ironic how now she was a part of them. She was twenty-one and parentless, finding her way alone in the world. Nothing would ever be the same again, of course everything would change. How could she be so naive? She lowered her head, and again she had to fight that lump that was forming in her throat. _Don't cry, _she told herself. _Whatever you do, don't break down._

"It's just… I just can't believe he's gone," she said finally, swallowing hard and ignoring the pain. She needed to win this battle. She ignored the horrible feeling it brought, the reality that surrounded her at saying it out loud. "It happened so fast."

Squall placed his hand on her leg, seeing the cracks in her normal façade. "No one can prepare themselves for it, no matter how much time they have." He looked at her lowered head, wishing he could search her face for some idea as to how it felt for her. "There's no right or wrong way. You don't have to face up to anyone until your ready."

"I'm going to work," she said bluntly. "I'm know it doesn't make sense at all, and I might hate every minute of it… but I have to. It feels right, like I'm supposed to."

"Are you sure?"

Rinoa nodded, "I think so." In her mind she saw a single red balloon floating gently through the sky, and she thought she could hear that wailing sound in the distance. She ignored it, watching Squall as he tried to make things better even though there was nothing he could do. That lump in her throat was growing larger. She swallowed, ignoring the tears that wanted to fall. _Go away, _she told it and found herself thinking of something she used to say as a child. _Rain, rain go away… Come again another day. _She almost laughed at the stupidity of it, at how her mind thought of the stupidest things at the wrong times. She doubted Squall would find the humour of it, given the current situation they were in. But for the mean time she couldn't help but smile in her head, realising that again she had won the battle against the lump in her throat. It was becoming easier to win, she realised. And that was the greatest revelation she had had in the last twenty-four hours.

Leaning forward she gently kissed her fiancé on the cheek. "Go to work," she said with a small smile as she stood from the bed. The shuffling and the wailing in her head had ceased for the meantime, her dream having dissolved into the reality of the day.

* * *

It was so easy to forget. She never really understood just how strong the wall of denial could be until she made her way to work and went to her day to day jobs in the library. Denial was a strong mix of emotions, it was a high wall built of the strongest of materials which blocked out any emotion. She really didn't feel anything. At first she felt a strange sensation, it was a kind of surreal detachment from reality. It was like she was living the life she had always lived, she was walking through the same walls and seeing the same people she always saw but this time it was as if she were looking through the cloudy distorted vision that is only present during the dream world. The kind of dream world where you walk below a beautiful sunny sky without feeling the heat. It was like falling without the fear and never actually hitting the ground, what she felt was simply the in between motion- she could feel the movement of her life, but there was no emotions. No fear, no anger. Nothing. And she never hit the ground. She was simply stuck there, moving freely around in her life without ever having the grief that she knew she should be feeling. There was only nothingness, and she couldn't believe how _easy _it actually was to pretend that nothing was wrong. She knew she was in denial, oh she was more than conscious of that fact, but it did not falter her. She felt more than happy walking through this dream world that was not quite reality, but certainly not a dream.

Just as she expected everyone knew what had happened. Walking through the halls of the Garden she couldn't help feeling like she was grabbing everyone's attention. People would stop midway through their conversations and stare at her as she walked past. They looked at her with eyes of sympathy, or sometimes eyes of suspicion as if they thought to themselves, _'Is that her..? Yeah I'm sure that's the poor girl who's dad died.'_ And the amazing thing was, this did not bother her in the slightest. She simply walked past with a smile in her head, for the first time in a long time feeling excited about the prospect of going to work. They could look at her all they liked, they could be sympathetic or hate her, she really did not care. She was in her own world where nothing bad had ever happened, and that was how she intended it to stay.

As the day progressed she began to get approached by lots of different people. Her colleagues gave her a surprised look as she walked into the library and insisted on working. People asked if she was okay. Yes, she said. Everything was fine. She'd give them a look that showed she understood what they were probing at, a look to give them just the right amount of understanding that she recognised that her father had died, but also that she didn't wish to discuss the matter. Some people gave her presents and cards, apologising about what had happened, telling her their deepest sympathies were with her. She merely gave them a reassuring smile, thanked them then continued to work as if nothing had happened. Other people, possibly the worst kind of people would do the latter gestures. _Yes, she was fine _and _thank you, but there's no need to apologise. _The worst part of all was followed by those who offered her a tale of someone who had died in their lives as if knowing that something tragic that had happened in their past would make her feel any better. She wasn't sad though, she didn't feel anything so in turn she ended up feeling sad and guilty forwhat had happened to the people who they had lost. It was an endless cycle of formalities between Instructors, students, random people she had never met before, phone calls from people who claimed to be a friend of her fathers or possibly worked for him.

_I'm sorry to hear about your father…You know, a few years ago I lost my brother in the…He was such a good man, I worked for him for ten years you know? …Are you sure your okay? All of our sympathies are with you. I know what it's like when my old man died in a…_

As they day passed by all of the sympathies became scrambled together in a tight ball which she kept stored in her mind for a time when she probably needed to hear these things. She found herself only half listening to what people were saying, a part of her thinking that maybe she needed to hear this so that the reality would sink in, another part drifting off into her own mind in her own detached way. By the time the afternoon came she felt more detached than ever. She almost dared herself to think back to the previous night to see just _how _much she was in denial, but decided against it. A part of her feeling a strange sense of pride at her ability to block everything out and she didn't want to ruin it. Who would've thought she could do so well?

Rinoa glanced up from the magazine she had been trying to read at her desk before she had got lost in her thoughts. The library was quiet apart from a few students studying at the computers in the corner, she scanned the aisles hoping that there was something that she could do to occupy her mind. She had found that she had been so focussed on trying to take her mind off everything she had worked faster than usual. The library was as tidy as it could be, there was nothing left to do but sit and wait until someone left a pile of books messily on a table. She scowled at realising there was no one here to humour her, willing someoneto give her _something _to do.

With a sigh she stood from her desk and began a slow walk through the bookshelves in hopes that at least one book in the damn library was out of place. In the distance she could hear the gentle taping of fingers on a keyboard and a girl let out a small laugh. She could hear muffled sounds of quiet talking but couldn't make out any words being said. Running her fingertips along the spine of the many books along the shelves she looked at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, only to be disappointed to see that what had appeared to be an hour was only five minutes. Her shoes scuffed loudly on the carpeted floor as she made her way to the next aisle of books in hopes that she would find something to occupy her empty mind. That was what it was that felt surreal, it was emptiness she realised. There were no thoughts, no feelings or emotions. No excitement or sadness, no expectations or plans on what she was going to do next. All of that had disintegrated into nothingness. She was empty.

As she walked onto the next set of bookshelves marvelling at her newfound realisation at what exactly was going on in her head, she stopped in her tracks as she saw someone in front of her. The girl was scanning through the books on the shelf, using her finger to read each title with her eyes scrunched in concentration she didn't even notice Rinoa staring at her.

"Do you need help finding something?" she asked, thanking whatever God was out there for giving her this welcome distraction.

The girl gave a small shriek and jumped upon hearing Rinoa's voice, she turned to her with wide eyes for a moment before relaxing. "You scared the hell out of me," the girl gasped clutching her chest.

"I'm sorry," Rinoa responded feeling guilty at scaring the girl. She looked no older than seventeen, her long dark hair was streaked with blue and held into an untidy mess at the back of her head with a clip. On her nails she wore chipped red nail vanish which she now picked at uncomfortably in front of Rinoa. She wore the same uniform every other Garden student wore, but somehow managed to still look scruffy and dishevelled. Rinoa saw the words 'Never Forever' neatly tattooed on her left arm.

The girls eyes looked from the woman standing before her, to the floor, then shot back up to the woman again as a recognition hit her features. "You're the one whose Dad died," the words escaped her lips fast and immediately her hands clasped over her mouth in shock at her own words. "I'm sorry," the girl whispered wide eyed. "I didn't mean…"

"It's fine," Rinoa said with a wave of her hand. She couldn't help but feel pity for the girl stood in front of her, she hardly registered that the girls words should have caused a stab of reality to hit her. But it didn't. She was far too drugged up in her own desperate denial to comprehend such things yet. She kept her gaze on the strange girl whose hand was still clasped over her mouth. "Really, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" the girl asked, her hands slowly dropping down towards her sides and once again Rinoa got a good glimpse of the girls tattoo. _Never forever. _She gave Rinoa a sympathetic glance, the same glance she had seen from people all day. She was expecting the next words to be said before they even left the girls lips. "I'm so sorry, I heard what happened this morning. I feel terrible for you."

Rinoa smiled. She smiled because inside she had an urge to roll her eyes and walk away in frustration before the girl could continue on with her speech, but instead she just stood there. Inside she was having a bet with herself as to whether she was a _sympathy_ or a _you know my _[insert name here _died… _kind of girl. She mentally cursed herself at how insensitive she was being. She should be grateful that all these people were caring for her well being but… it was just that…_Bet you a thousand gil she's a sympathy kind of girl. _She hated herself right now, she really didn't feel a thing.

"My parents both died during the war a few years ago," she said as gently as she could, unaware that the woman she was talking to was thinking she now owed herself money. The bet lost.

"I'm sorry to hear," Rinoa responded, just the same way she had all day. "That must have been awful for you."

The girl smiled, pushing a lose bang of hair behind her ear. "I'm over it," she said bluntly. "Everyone dies one day, don't they? And anyway, it helped me fit in here a little better."

"What do you mean?" Rinoa asked, curious by the girls blunt response. Normally she would make as little conversation as possible when people tried making conversation with her after their sympathies. Somehow she felt intrigued by this girl, she was blunt and insensitive sure, but perhaps that's what Rinoa needed right now? _I'm over it…_ Perhaps that was why Rinoa had tried avoiding Squall and the rest of her friends, because they would try their hardest to understand, they would try their hardest to try to feel her pain even though they'd never understand she didn't feel any pain at all. They would never believe that for one minute, would they?

_I'm over it…?_

"Oh come on you must have felt it, especially now," the girl spoke pulling out a book from the shelf and passing it between each hand without ever looking at it. "Pretty much everyone here is an orphan, _this _is their family. And when you're a student here and go home to see your actually family and talk about parents and siblings no one seems to understand. It's like you're part of a minority and don't fit in, people look and treat you differently because you're not like _them. _When my parents died I couldn't help feeling like it was a relief because I could finally be a part of everyone else. I'm an orphan now, just like everyone else. I fit in."

Rinoa thought for a moment at the girls words, amazed that she had never thought about this but realising that it was very true. She had never truly felt a part of her friends, sure she felt close to them, she trusted each and every one of them with her life. But something always felt different, it felt like they were on a different level than her. She had grown up in a family home, they hadn't. When she had taken parents as the norm, all her friends were growing up in an orphanage. And now she was a part of them, the reality stirred a slight emotion within her. For a brief moment she thought she felt fear, but then it dissolved into nothingness once more and she was detached from reality again. It was like looking through a window, her face was pressed right up against the glass, but she just couldn't get inside to see everything clearly.

"I guess your right," Rinoa responded slowly. She could have got lost in her own thoughts and self doubts, but there was no thoughts in her head.

The girl smiled at Rinoa, still passing the book between both her hands. "I've found my book," she said, changing the topic suddenly.

Rinoa looked dumbfounded at the book a moment before snapping back into reality, "I guess you didn't need my help at all then," she responded. She was about to turn on her heals and walk back to her desk in hopes to find something she could do but as soon as she moved the girl cleared her throat signalling for her attention once more. She watched as the girl rummaged through her bag, and eventually brought out a banana and held it out in front of Rinoa with an accomplished smile on her face.

"It's a banana…" Rinoa responded immensely confused, showing she understood the fruit but not quite sure why the girl was holding it out in front of her.

The girl looked at Rinoa confused a moment, as if she was supposed to take the gesture like it was an everyday occurrence, then she turned her away from the woman with a serious look in her eye. "My mum lost a lot of people in her life when I was growing up, but she didn't cry like everyone else does. She just picked herself right back up and continued with life as usual, except when she came home she'd just sit in her chair and stare and eat a banana. It sounds weird I know, but it was her moment where I think she would grieve. When she died I realised I was like her, I didn't cry, but I didn't eat bananas either. I'd just sit and stare at one and imagine her eating it and try to cry and grieve over her." The Banana Girl gave Rinoa a knowing look as she placed it in her hand. "I think you might need this, because you might like her as well."

"Thank you" Rinoa said, feeling slightly odd thanking someone for a piece of fruit of all things. It seemed so surreal, but it was a surreal day for her so nothing surprised her anymore. Still she couldn't shake the feeling that this girl has seen through her disguise, she couldn't help but feel relieved that _someone _out there possibly understood her. That her feelings of not wanting to cry or get upset were perfectly fine. Not everyone had make a scene in front of other people. The girl disappeared then, giving Rinoa a look that said she was done talking, done with all the formalities now could she please leave her the hell alone? Rinoa could only smile in a weird bewildered way and continue making her way through the aisles of books.

The rest of the day clouded into a haze of events of her usual routine, she continued her daily jobs in the library, a few more people had come in to see her to show their respects and she reacted the same way she did each time. Smile. Thank you. Greet the next person that came. At the end of the day she walked through the halls of Garden with that now familiar silence running through her head. The thought dawned on her that twenty-four hours ago, she had a father.. She lived a normal life where people didn't take pity on her. Sighing, she pushed the thought right to the back of her mind where all of her other thoughts were locked tightly away. Not right now, she told herself.

The first time she felt any emotion since that morning was when she tried to walk outside and sooth her empty mind by looking at the stars. Perhaps it would make her feel content or fill her with a sense of sadness, she wasn't sure. But upon making her way outside, she found herself stopping in her tracks as she saw far in the distance her friends stood together. Selphie was giggling to herself as Irvine seemed engrossed in conversation with her blooming stomach, whilst Zell stood looking slightly uncomfortable at the situation yet humoured at the same time. She watched, hidden in the shadows as she heard the laughter and conversation from her friends, and couldn't help but wonder what would happen if she walked along and tried to join in with their jokes. Of course she already knew the answer to this. They would stop and stare, and they would tell her that they were sorry for her loss. Was she okay? Yes, she was fine. Then they would insist that they would always be there for her if she needed anyone. Would they even understand if she said what would help her more than anything in the world is them never to mention, or even remind her, what had happened last night? What would they say to that? How long would it even be before she could laugh and joke around with them again without feeling guilty? Perhaps this was why she was dreading facing up to her friends. Why all day she had ignored her phone whenever it rang and hid herself away in the library. As quietly as possible she made her way back inside and tried to avoid as many looks from people as possible. She didn't want to be stared at anymore. She didn't want any of this.

She pictured herself walking up to her friends and making a simple joke, how they would look at her like she was crazy. Like she'd grown an extra head. The first real emotion built up inside of her, she felt it bubbling through her veins and an explosion of thoughts daring to enter her head. _I dare you. _She couldn't help but feel angry, even though she knew there was no reason for her to be. People were reacting the way anyone else would. She probably would be the same. But she couldn't help feeling that horrible anger rising within her as she saw another group of students take a second glance at her. _Double dare you. _Why did she now feel like a complete outcast? Perhaps everyone was right, maybe she should break down and force herself to cry just to make other people happy. Maybe then people would accept her. Then all of the people who had approached her today would be able to take pity on her, because they knew what it was like. They were sorry for her loss.

_Let it all out, this is what happened when I lost my…_

_It hurts a lot. You know, I couldn't eat for the next few days after… _

_I know how you must be feeling right now. I went through this when… _

"I'm not going through _anything_," she said out loud and not even caring if anyone saw her talking to herself. _Let them think I'm crazy, _she thought. Maybe she was. Maybe…

_I'm over it._

The Banana Girl was right, maybe she was over it? It's not like her and her Dad were close. After all, there was a reason why her and her father hadn't spoken for so many years she couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a proper conversation. There were a lot of reasons why she made an effort not to speak to him, not to call him 'Dad'. He had abandoned her, spoken to her like crap, never once in his life believing in her. There were a lot of reasons and memories that she could bring up to the surface, which was perhaps why she was over it. How many times in her past had she childishly wished he was _not _her dad? How many times had she told him she hated him? How many times in those desperate adolescent years had she wished he was… she had wished he was _dead? _

She let the anger build up within her, letting the one emotion fill her senses. She was seething with anger at everything but nothing at the same time. It was better than feeling that nothingness within herself. It was so much better than being an empty shell. She walked fast, determined not to bump into anyone she knew. She had already decided she was not going to spend the evening with Squall, and thankful she still had her old room. It was not used very often, but right now it was the greatest place she could imagine. Her legs took her faster, her agitation at the world and everything in it becoming too unbearable. She needed to hide away from all of this. She couldn't stand being on display for much longer, let everyone think what they liked. No one knew what she was going through. She didn't even know herself.

In the horizon her door was now in sight, her legs ached from walking so fast but she ignored it. She felt like she were in a horror movie, like she was trying to run away from the demons behind her to get to safety. Perhaps that was what she was doing, she wasn't sure anymore. All she knew was that she needed to be in her own walls where no one could look in. She needed to be in her own space where she was no longer judged.

Her hands shook as she fumbled with her keys in the lock, the need to get away from everything becoming unbearable. She could still hear the sounds of people around her, she could still see people turning and looking at her with pity in their eyes. Anyone who saw her would probably think she looked frantic, like a girl being chased, but she didn't care. She just _needed _to get away. The click of the lock was a blessing, and she hardly had time to feel the relief before she grabbed at the handle and pushed her body with full force inside the room. The slam of the door was the only noise as she pressed her weight against the now closed door. She was away. She was alone. It felt amazing.

For the next few minutes she stayed in the same spot, her head leaning against the cold surface of the door with her eyes shut tightly. Her breathing was slow and heavy, taking in every ounce of breath that she could. She was back in her old room, and she had never felt so relieved. For that brief moment, her body relaxed into a serene calm. The anger now subsided, and she was alone with that hollow head of hers. Her thoughts had quietened down. _Welcome back to Denial Land. Please enjoy your stay. _

Eventually her eyes opened to scan the inside of her room, everything was just as she had left it when she had last been here a few days ago apart from two changes she could see after a few moments. One came in the form of a single tulip lying helplessly at her feet. She gave it a puzzled look for a moment, bending to pick up the flower in her hand tp study it as if she had never seen one before. She wondered how it had got there. Possibly Squall had left it there for her, but did he even have a key? She wasn't sure. It was certainly a possibility, she decided she would question him about it tomorrow. Right now she needed to be away from him, away from everyone. He was just as bad as the rest of them, and right now she wasn't in the mood to solve the mystery of a tulip of all things.

The second change, she noticed as she placed the flower down on her desk. The red light flashing at her, bringing her glazed eyes back to reality. She stared down at the machine beside her phone for a brief moment before pressing a button and wondering who had left her a message. She listened to the monotone sound telling her she had one new message received yesterday at 9:43 am as she turned around to place her bag on the floor. She was halfway through unzipping her jacket when the sound of a voice held her in place. Suddenly those walls on denial were hard to keep sturdy as the message played to her in the empty room.

"_Rinoa.. Is that you? Are you there? …Never mind. I ah… I just needed to call to hear your voice. There's… I… I just wish I could see you one last time, Rinoa. I need to tell you some things. Call me okay? Don't be a stranger forever, there's not…It's… I hate speaking on these things! I'll speak to you later." _

A single tear made its way silently making it's trail along the contours of her face. She turned to the answering machine as if she would see her father there. Or perhaps she could just pick up the phone and call him back, maybe apologise for being late to phone, she's only just got his message. Then he'd say everything was fine and she would laugh at how awkward he sounded. She tried to block out the thoughts that entered her head, that hours after he tried phoning her he was sent into hospital. How if she had only been there for him, then maybe she could have had a few more moments with him? She wiped the tear away with the back of her hand. There was only one tear, one sad thought in her head, and then she was back to her numb state. A part of her wanted to play the message again, to find comfort in that this was the only way she'd be able to hear his voice. No, she had to be strong. She couldn't handle any of this. For now she needed to be back in denial, to not have any thoughts of…

She turned quickly as she heard a low rumble from behind her, disturbing her from her thoughts. The rumble continued and suddenly she was glad to see that there was a distraction. Bending down once more, Rinoa rummaged through her bag to find her phone, wondering who could be calling her. Perhaps it was another random caller telling her that they had heard the news and they were sorry for her loss. Maybe it was her friends wondering where she was, they hadn't seen her all day. In their mind she needed her friends right now. In their minds she knew they thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. Well guess what? She was doing fine on her own.

Anything would have been better than the call she got when she found her phone. She would have preferred to have a million sympathy callers, have all of her friends in her face than the reality of what was happening. The horror that shot through her body when she looked at the screen on the phone left her shaking. For a moment she thought she was imagining things, that the day had been so long and tiring that she was seeing things, her mind playing tricks on her. She blinked. Opened her eyes and it was still the same, obviously there could be some logical reason behind this, but right at that moment as she felt the phone vibrate in her hand, it scared the hell out of her.

_Dad calling…_

She let it ring, not daring to answer. And even after the phone had stopped vibrating she was left shaking and afraid in her room on her own. Her mind tried to comfort her, tried to tell her that it probably wasn't what she thought it was, but all she could think of was red balloons floating through the sky. All she could think of was that thing stood behind her in a garden. The wailing. The shuffling.

The fear.

_Authors note: If anyone is interested, I am in serious need of someone who can proof read and edit my chapters. It's so hard to do it myself, and the person who used to do it no longer can. I'll be VERY happy indeed if anyone can do it._


	3. Chapter 3

A Battle Of Land and Sea

Chapter Three

_Leave me out with the waste, _

_This is not what I do,_

_It's the wrong kind of place,_

_To be thinking of you,_

_It's the wrong time, and if somebody knew,_

_It's a small crime,_

_And I got no excuse._

**Damien Rice - 9 Crimes**

There were an awful lot of flowers here. She stared at them dumbfounded for a moment, taking in her surroundings. It seemed strange, she had only intended on going on an early morning walk after having not slept so well. The air was cold and moist; the cold wind left her hugging her coat close to her for warmth as it played with her raven hair, teasing her with its icy fingers. She had never intended to bump into anything like _this. _She had gone for a walk to get away from all of this; she didn't want to be reminded anymore.

…Why did no one understand?

For a long time she stood entranced by the hundreds of flowers that had been delicately placed by the wall in the quad. She looked at them as if it were for someone else she didn't know, as if she could look down and wonder who the poor person this memorial had been created for. Of course she knew who it was for. It seemed that no matter how much she tried to get away from everything, to put it all in the back of her head for a later date where she might be able to deal with all of this, it always came back to slap her in the face. She tried to be numb from denial. Being the drug that stopped her from hurting inside, it subsided the pain somewhat. It stopped the agony she should be going through.

Today felt more surreal than the previous day. It was so simple to think of it all as just a bad dream that she was going to wake up from soon. It seemed too real, so convincing. But it was only a dream, wasn't it? The memories of the events over the last forty-eight hours where hazy and dull, she wasn't sure which was the bad dream and which was the reality anymore. Her mind shifted back to the phone call she had received the previous night, the horror that had come over her body at what might be. It felt so stupid now. She knew that there was some logical reason. Plenty of people could have his phone, she knew that. But still, she couldn't shake the feeling that… _Don't be so stupid. _Her mind drifted. She thought back to how the last two days had seemed like an eternity. Her shopping trip with Selphie seeming like a million years ago, back in a day when the biggest problem in her life was finding the perfect dress for her…

Her wedding…

She blinked, not focusing on the memorial in which she stood in front of. A lone student quietly placed a small bouquet of flowers to join the rest in silent wonder, giving her just the slightest glance of bewilderment and sympathy before walking away. His presence went unnoticed by the strange silent girl stood staring and deep in thought.

How the hell could she have forgotten about her wedding?

It was something that had dominated her life for the past few months and now she hadn't thought about it once. She had completely forgotten about it, about everyone. She had ignored her friends, forgetting about them too. There was just something about trying to have a happy celebration… it just didn't seem right anymore. How was she supposed to be excited about her wedding when her life had been turned upside down?

There were plenty of things that needed to be done before the wedding, the dress, her bridesmaids' dresses, catering, seating arrangements…the list when on and on. Just a few days ago they were a big part of her mind, following her thoughts from the moment she woke up in the morning and kept her awake deep into the night as she pondered upon ideas and what would look best. But there had always been one thing she needed to do that she kept lodged at the back of her mind the entire time, putting it off as if she had all the time in the world. And the cruel irony was that she didn't have much time left at all. She never invited her father. And now, no matter how many wedding invitations she sent, how many messages asking, he would never come. Ever. There wasn't going to be the father to watch proudly at his daughter, to see her grow and to blossom into the next stage into adulthood. There was no one to…

There was no one to walk her down the aisle…

The thought gave a sharp stabbing jolt in the pit of her stomach as the reality dawned upon her. Who was supposed to walk her down the aisle? Who was supposed to be the grandparent of her future child? To see her children grow and to spoil them? To help her with parenthood, with marriage, with life? How was she supposed to get through any of this alone? And suddenly a hundred thoughts and emotions came over her in a nauseous wave. Suddenly, she felt alone in the world. _Very _alone. She thought of everything a parent should be there for, to see them grow old and live their lives. To retire… none of that was ever going to happen. It all got taken away before she had even prepared for it. What about all the things she needed to say to him? What about that time in the distant future where she really believed their relationship would get better and they would no longer be at war? What if she needed these things to happen in order to get on with her life?

She was too late and the guilt was becoming unbearable. She had to close her eyes in fear of letting her emotions get the best of her. She longed for the numbness that had clouded her mind only moments earlier, not for this surge of emotions, not for this feeling of loss and despair… She wanted to rid herself of it, to close it away in a box deep in the back of her mind and never have to face everything. Nothing was real, it was all some sort of surreal dream that she would wake up from at any moment. Her father had never come to visit her here, she hardly ever saw him so it wasn't like her life had dramatically changed. She got up and went to work, spending her days with the same people she always did, not even thinking of her dad. He was far away in her thoughts, only coming to surface every now and then. Not like… not like now. Now the thought of him was more alive than ever. She couldn't get his face out of his head; she couldn't shake the surreal feeling that she had no parents left. Her parents had died, she was alone. The phrase had entered into her mind countless times over the last few days, but somehow it never seemed to make anything more real. It was still thought of as if this was someone else's life. Not hers.

Her dad was a General, he worked hard and never let anything get in the way of his work. Not even having a wife and daughter had stopped him working hard, it came first. No matter how much destruction it had caused, how much heartache and neglect…it still came first.

Letting out a sigh, she forced herself to turn away from the memorial and away from where her thoughts were leading. Now certainly wasn't the time to get angry at her deceased father. She'd spent majority of her life angry at him, she might as well let it go. Shouldn't she?

Before she had chance to ponder the thought any further she saw a familiar face walking towards her. He held his usual solemn look as he casually walked up to her. His gaze was directed at the flowers on the ground rather than her and from the look on his face, it appeared this was the first he had noticed of the flowers too. As he approached her, he lifted his eyes to meet her wary look. She could already see that look of sympathy, that look of not knowing how to act around her. It was as if she was diseased and no one dared be around her anymore.

"I thought you'd got lost," he spoke, trying to sound as normal as possible but the delicate sympathy in his voice didn't go unnoticed.

Rinoa shook her head at his comment, "Why would you think that?"

She turned back down to the flowers, noticing how they held a strange kind of sad beauty. The kind of beauty that flowers can only give when they're placed by the side of a road marking a tragic loss. It was also the same kind of beauty which came from watching the same old man at the same time everyday visiting his deceased wife's gravestone to put flowers beside it, the empty kind that left her feeling hollow, yet touched at the same time. Just how many students had come to pay their respects to her father?

"No one has seen you in the last day," Squall started, "…we're all worried about-"

"Don't be," Rinoa bluntly cut in, not wanting to hear any more of the sympathy and the worried tone of voice.

She found herself becoming angry, just as she had been the night before. The feeling of not being able to act normal frustrated her, made her want to burst and show everyone how she was actually feeling. And what was she feeling? She wasn't exactly sure how she felt, but she wanted to move on. She wanted to just be treated like normal, to mess around, to laugh and be her usual self. Not all of this grieving bullshit. She wouldn't have any of this anymore.

"I'm fine," she snapped, "I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, or be worried. Because there's nothing wrong. Why won't anyone understand that?"

"But…" Squall started but was not sure on how to finish his sentence, being taken aback by her outburst.

"But what?" she questioned, meeting his eyes, "I'm not allowed to get on with my life? I have to sit and mope all day because everyone thinks that this is the way I should behave? The reason why I've been avoiding everyone is because I'm so sick of hearing people say that they are 'sorry' and speaking to me as if I'm weak. It's bad enough from people I don't know, it's just insulting when I get it from the people I care about."

The couple stayed quiet a moment, not really sure how to respond to the outburst. Squall was shocked by her words, not knowing what to say. What could he say? He was just trying to be helpful and care for her; he never even realized that what he was doing was the exact opposite of what she needed. He looked at her, seeing that she seemed to have calmed down a little.

"I didn't realize you felt like that," he spoke, "-but grieving doesn't make you weak."

"I know," she replied, wrapping her arms around herself as a cold wind blew through her hair, "-you all know I was never close with my father. At one point I hated him, that's why I never see or speak to him. We weren't close, we never were. Why does everyone expect me to grieve someone who was more like a stranger to me?"

"I… don't know," was all the response he could give. He knew she had history with her father, and that she didn't particularly get along with him, but still – he was her family, her dad. He didn't realize the feuding was that bad.

"Well, now you know not to judge me."

She walked away, not feeling like she could handle an argument with her fiancé of all people. She just needed to be alone with her thoughts, away from …everything. A part of her wished she could pack her bags and escape this place until everything blew over. She couldn't deal with Squall, her friends… the funeral… the wedding… All of it was just too stressful right now. She walked without turning back, a part of her mind already regretting speaking to Squall the way she did, and a larger part of her not even caring.

* * *

There were three items awaiting her by the time she returned. Each one brought a completely different reaction within her, stirring a different fear, a different confusion, and a little happiness. Each held a symbolism beyond her senses. Right now, with all three things in front of her, she wasn't sure which should be taking her attention first.

Which was more important? Which was more disturbing?

The fact that yet another flower had been delicately placed on the floor by her bed when she had entered her room sent a shiver down her spine. It made her want to look around frantically to know who had placed it there. Maybe they were lurking somewhere in the shadows of her wardrobe, or possible lying in wait in her bathroom ready to jump out at her. As much as she wanted to believe otherwise, something deep down inside of her told her that this was not a romantic gesture from Squall. A stranger had been in her room, she could almost sense it. When she looked around, trying her hardest to picture the way she had left her room hours earlier, she was certain that some things had moved around since then.

Now she couldn't help the creeping fear building up inside of her. It was the same fear of the thing that lurked behind her making those shuffling, wailing noises that had haunted her dreams for the second night now. But as dreams did, her thoughts numbed when she looked at the post which had been delivered to her with a strange curiosity. She could have frantically searched her room and around the surrounding building, maybe ask a few people if anyone had seen someone enter her room but her thoughts quickly disintegrated as she had absentmindedly opened a letter. She had intended on giving her post a quick glance, almost certain it would be junk mail before beginning her investigation. Yet when she looked down at her mail, and saw the words printed at the top of what she saw to be a certificate… All of her thoughts ceased to exist.

It was his death certificate.

She felt the texture of the paper between her fingers, observing every detail and taking in all that she could. She looked at each and every letter as if it were a different language, trying to decipher each syllable and testing these new words in her mind. Her eyes lingered over the name that seemed so familiar on the paper, yet when she looked at it now, she couldn't help feeling like she was intruding on something that did not belong to her. This was someone else's post, not hers. This was another poor soul that had died before their time, someone she didn't know.

Of course this was a lie, she knew that. She knew the name, the date of birth, the time and place of death. It was all here, everything she already knew, everything she had been trying to avoid. Right on paper before her very eyes. It was official. He was gone and never coming back. This was the statement that made everything a reality and denied the possibility of this being some horrible mistake. Again, that reality crept up of her making the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end.

"This is real," she whispered to her empty room, but not believing a word she said. With a low moan, she quickly placed the certificate in a drawer and slammed it shut. Gone. She would take it out when she was ready to believe it was true, but right now she could not handle looking at it. Out of sight and out of mind. She didn't need this right now.

With a sigh, she picked up the few letters and a parcel and placed it on the bed beside her. She went through the motions of opening each letter, giving it a quick glance to confirm that, yes, it was junk mail and, yes, she should throw it in the bin beside her. Usually she never opened such things, or took the time to properly read the mail she received, but today she made the effort to read each and every word. She found comfort in its familiarity; this was something in her life that hadn't changed. It didn't look at her with sorrow. It didn't say sorry or try to give her flowers. And it certainly did not tell her that her father had died. She liked it this way. She liked the informality and the usual annoyance it brought her.

She stashed the few envelopes that seemed like cards in the drawer with the certificate, not wanting to open yet another sympathy card. She was so tired of 'sympathy' right now and feared that if she opened a card she would end up ripping it to pieces in anger. Running her hands through her hair, she laid her eyes on the third thing she had noticed since stepping back into her room - the third and final thing that arrived to her. Like the rose, it sat there taunting her, almost challenging her. And although she didn't want to admit it, she recognized the handwriting on the parcel, making her heart skip a beat when she realized that the uneven scrawl on the front belonged to _him. _As soon as she recognized the writing, she almost threw it in the drawer along with everything else this morning, but then her curiosity was getting the better of her. What in Gaia made her father send her a parcel?

Holding it in her hands, she looked down on it, contemplating whether or not to see what was inside. She moved her fingers along the front, feeling the grooves his writing left. She ignored the thoughts that entered her head, that this would have been one of the last things he wrote on before he… Shaking her head from her thoughts, she ripped open the parcel, needing any kind of distraction right now. Tipping the parcel up, it contents fell with a small jingle onto the bed in front of her. The sight of it made her choke on a sob and her hands grasped tightly at her face as if it would help make her feel better. Her eyes were wide and staring at the _thing_ on the bed.

It was funny how some things got so lost in time, along with the memories that seem to disperse and fade away in time. Yet seeing it here, sat on the bed in front of her it now seemed like it had never been forgotten. All her memories came back as clear as the day she lived them and her heart ached with the innocence that she had once lived. The kind of comfort that only a child can feel when they know they are safe from the monsters in their heads.

It was a bell.

To anyone else, it might not have been a significant thing, but for Rinoa… it brought back so many memories and emotions all at once. She could only look down at it as if it were some sort of horrifying thing. The blue ribbon attached to it was faded and ragged, and the metal was a little rusty, but it was still the same bell that had been a very big part of her childhood. It had been the one thing in her life that had made her feel better after she lost her mother. She remembered everything, right down to that strong smell of…

… _Vanilla. That was the first thing to hit the young girl as the strange woman came to sit down beside her. The smell was sweet but overpowering__. That very instant made her unsure about this woman, this strange woman that had come into their home to see her. She kept her eyes firmly placed on the doll that she had been playing with, holding it tightly too her, needing her toys protection from this strange woman._

"_Hello Rinoa," the woman said slowly. "That's a pretty doll you have there. What's her name?"_

_She looked up shyly at the woman, before turning to her father who stood in the doorway drinking the auburn liquid slowly from the glass he always seemed to carry around with him. He gave his daughter a reassuring nod, signaling that she was fine. That she wasn't going to hurt the girl. Maybe she was going to be a new friend to play with. She looked back to the strange woman, hugging the doll closer to her. She didn't want a new friend to play with, and certainly not this strange-looking woman._

_The woman smiled reassuringly, "You don't have to be shy with me, I can be your friend. I hear you've been a very brave girl over the last few weeks, haven't you?"_

_The young girl looked down to the ground, shaking her head silently. The memories came back to her over the last few weeks. Her mum had gone to the stars. That was what she was told. She wouldn't be coming back because she was now looking over everyone and protecting her because she was too ill to be down here with them. She had been doing poorly, but now she was better. Everyone had told her lots of things, but she still needed her mum. She didn't want to be alone._

"_Are you my new mummy?" the girl spoke so quietly the woman hardly heard her._

"_Of course not," the woman responded, "But you know what? I'm going to be here to help you not forget her and make sure she's still a part of your life even if she's not here."_

_The girl nodded her head, losing interest of the doll she had in her arms and walked in search for a new toy. The woman sat patiently as she settled with a new toy, a stuffed monkey and went to sit back down beside the woman as she stroked the monkey's head. _

"_He's Bruce," the girl said with a smile._

"_Nice to meet you Bruce," the woman said taking the animal's arm, "My name is Alison."_

_She watched as the young girl smiled before her, watching her play with the innocence that only children held. She played with Rinoa for a long time, watching the girl interact, every now and then glancing over to the girl's father who was still stood in the doorway, watching silently. _

"_You seem like a very happy girl," Alison said after a while, "Do you think you're happy?"_

_The girl shrugged, giving no other response to the woman's question._

"_Tell me how you feel Rinoa, are you happy? Mad? Sad?"_

"_A little sad," the girl said after a brief pause._

"_Why is that?" _

"_Because of nightmares," the young girl spoke, playing with her toy distantly._

"_What happens in your nightmares? They must be quite scary for you."_

_The girl nodded quietly, as if in silent contemplation. "A horrible monster chases me because I want to see my mummy but he won't let me. He comes and breathes and growls on my neck but I don't know who he is."_

"_You don't see him?"_

_The girl shook her head, "I hear him behind me."_

"_Do you have your nightmare often?" The woman watched as the girl nodded sadly before throwing her toy to the side, once more bored of this game. Alison sat up, a less serious tone in her voice, "How about we paint your Dad a nice picture?"_

_Alison came to speak to Rinoa daily, each time her father would stand and watch silently with his liquor in hand. A habit that started after her mother died. Even at a young age, the image of her dad with a bottle of liquor close by became the norm. The stench of stale alcohol on his breath slowly somehow became comforting, almost becoming of her dad. Sometimes she watched him sleep on the sofa after drinking too much, other times he would stumble in a daze around their home. He always watched Rinoa with almost as much fascination as he saw when Alison was speaking to her, getting inside her head. He never spoke or interacted while she was there. He simply watched._

_It wasn't until one day when Alison came round with a present in her hands that she urged him to come with her. He followed behind, stepping into his daughter's room rather than staying on the outside._

"_Rinoa, I have a surprise for you today," Alison said, holding out the small bag. She took Rinoa's hand and led her towards the door, before turning towards the General. "You too."_

_It was then that she led them both outside into the garden and beside a tree. The father and daughter stood, silently watching the woman as she took a bell out of her bag and tied it to the tree with a blue ribbon, got up and watched it jingle as it swayed in the wind. _

"_Rinoa, the next time you have a nightmare, I want you to listen for this bell. Even though your mother isn't here for you now, every time you hear this bell, let it be a reminder that she is there. That she is still real. And when you wake up, she'll still be there. You just have to listen for it. As long as the bell keeps ringing, the monster in your dreams can't win."_

_The young girl listened to the woman's words, already feeling a sense of calm when she heard the bell…_

… Jingle once more as she held it in her hands. It was the same as the day she remembered, the same as the many nights that had passed by when she woke up in pure terror at the nightmares she used to experience. She held the bell for a long time in her hands, taking in its memory. No matter how crazy and clichéd both her and her father thought the child psychologist had been later on, she knew that bell had helped her a lot. She smiled at the memory and her earlier thoughts had now calmed. Strange… she actually felt content, she actually felt peaceful inside.

Placing the bell back down, she looked at the writing on the parcel's paper once more. Was that why he had sent her this, because he knew he was going to die? What had possessed him to send something like this? Her dad had never been sympathetic or sentimental; he couldn't even look after his own daughter when they were both grieving together. He had to get some stupid psychologist in, like he did for the rest of her life whenever she had a problem. Why did he not realize that all he needed to do was sit and listen to her? All she ever wanted was to know he cared, and now, after sending such a thing to her… _Why?_ She didn't understand.

Rinoa stood up quickly, shaking her thoughts away. She picked up the parcel paper and the bell before putting it into the drawer along with everything else a little too abruptly. She knew she should have gone with her first idea, opening it certainly hadn't made her feel any better. She was still reminded about how he was gone. About how he was never coming back, even though she still had so much to tell him, so much to apologize for and so much to sort out.

How was she ever supposed to move on with her life now?

The room suddenly seemed a lot smaller than it was and she found herself feeling the need to get out of here. Too much had happened in such a short amount of time. She found herself feeling guilty for the way she spoke to Squall earlier and for the way she had behaved with her friends. She shouldn't be avoiding them right now; she should be seeking their comfort and help and not doing this on her own, trying to make her way through life as if nothing had ever happened. For a moment, she stood still, not sure what to do.

Stay in her room away from reality, or make her way into the big wide world and actually talk to someone for once? She took a step forward but stopped in her tracks feeling unsure of herself. Shaking her head from her doubts, she walked to the door and made her way out of the room.

Her mind was made up. She was going to talk about this. She needed help and there were people in Garden who could help her. With haste she made her way around the halls, in search of someone. _Anyone. _But she couldn't find them, she looked all around the quad, the canteen, even the library but there was no one in sight. She knew she looked like a desperate crazy person but right now but she did not care. People were looking at her strangely, she knew that. But what did she care? There were far too many things running through her head right now. Making her way into the lift, she waited impatiently as it slowly rose to the next level of Garden. As soon as the doors opened, she found herself running into a group of students almost knocking them off their feet.

Just ahead of her, she found who she was looking for. Once in sight, Rinoa made her way forwards and just then, reality hit her, making her realize what she was actually doing. For a brief moment she almost stopped in her tracks and turned away. If she left now, no one would ever know and she could resume on with the life that she had built herself the last few days. She was unsure, but inside, she felt like she needed this, before she drove herself crazy. Sucking in a breath of air, she built up the courage to walk up to the dark haired girl and tap her on the shoulder. Luckily she was by herself and the crowds of students were quickly dispersing so her actions didn't seem to go so noticed. However, as soon as the girl turned around to see who was intruding in on her, Rinoa found herself feeling more and more like a fool.

"Hello?" the girl responded, giving Rinoa a strange glance, casting her eyes up and down at her.

"Hey," Rinoa said, trying to sound as normal as possible. "I hope you don't mind me speaking to you like this since I'm not sure if you even remember me. We spoke briefly in the library yesterday. You gave me a banana."

The girl stayed quiet a moment, before recognition hit her features. "So I did," the student said, looking disinterested. Confidence dripped away fast as Rinoa noticed that the girl had that same kind of 'Back off and leave me alone' tone of voice.

"Listen…what you said to me yesterday, you're the only person I have spoken to since all of this has happened where I didn't have to feel guilty for not being upset about everything. You know what you're talking about and I… I need help."

"You don't even know me and you're asking for help?" the dark haired girl questioned, raising an eyebrow. She looked more and more annoyed at the disturbance the longer Rinoa was there. "How the hell am I supposed to help you? Your dad died and you don't like people caring for you, what am I supposed to do, fight them all away?"

"I don't know…" Rinoa said, suddenly feeling like a fool. She didn't know what she was trying to do or achieve, this girl was the first person who came to mind when she felt like she needed the help of another. It certainly didn't make sense, but right now, nothing in her life really did anymore.

Banana Girl rolled her eyes and gave a sharp sigh, before turning her back on Rinoa and walking away evidently annoyed by the plea for help.

"Wait!" Rinoa spoke, trying to catch up with the girl. "Please…. Wait. I don't even know your name."

The student stopped in her tracks and turned to face Rinoa. "If you think that you can just get help and it'll make everything okay, then you are so wrong. The magic words don't exist, all I can tell you is that it's going to hit you one day and I promise it'll hurt like hell. You'll probably never get over it because he's family, but all you can do is suck it up and accept it. He's gone. Dead. Never coming back. That's it. There is no magic. Not what you were expecting? Then go to the people who seem to care because I'm not going to hold your hand. Maybe you might start appreciate that they give a damn. Maybe you won't. I'm not you so I don't know. Now if you don't mind, I have a class to go to."

Rinoa was left to stand in silence and shock as the girl stomped down the corridor, never turning back. Her words had cut deep. Rinoa had never expected her to react the way she did. Or maybe she had. If she had wanted sympathy she could have gone to anyone else, but she didn't. The girl was right. Rinoa touched her face and felt the moisture of tears. She also felt a wave of emotion come over her in a harsh slap of reality. It was grief.

And it was real.


	4. Chapter 4

The Battle of Land and Sea

Chapter Four

"_It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses." _

**- Colette**

Breathing.

Hard and heavy breathing in her ear. The kind of strange breathing that she could almost feel against her skin. She could almost smell the stench of breath… possibly the smell of stale alcohol. Or cigarettes. Maybe both? It was the kind of wheezing that could only come from a heavy smoker, yet she couldn't be sure with the phone held to her ear.

"Hello…?" she repeated once more.

_Wheeze. Wheeze._

With a sigh, she took the incessant breathing away from her ear and looked at the phone in her hand. The screen lit up, telling her that it was an anonymous caller. She assumed that it was some prankster as she slid the phone shut, ending the call. She had far too much on her mind right now than to worry about someone who really needed to get their lungs checked out by a doctor. _Seriously. _

With a roll of her eyes, she placed the phone down back beside her bed and wiped her face. It was time to get back to what she had been doing before the strange call had interrupted her - crying. She had been grieving but it felt more like she was diagnosing herself with an illness called grief instead. That was what they called it, wasn't it? Rinoa had heard that there were different stages of grief and couldn't help but wonder which stage she might be in right now. Denial? Very much so, she mused to herself. Not anymore though. It seemed as if she had progressed onto the next stage, which was what?

"Incontrollable crying," she whispered to the empty room as she felt another wave of fresh tears well up in her eyes.

Her eyes were red and stinging from the tears as she wiped them away with her hands. But in all honesty, she had never felt so good. She finally felt alive. It finally felt real, and somewhere, deep down inside of her, it felt that maybe she would be able to face up to everything soon; to accept what had happened and start to move on. Soon… but not right now.

The phone stared at her from its place on the table, and again, she found herself wondering about the phone call. She could still clearly hear the wheezing in her mind, the pungent breath that blew an aroma of stale alcohol and cigarettes into her senses. Whiskey and cigars - that was what she could recollect, wasn't it? It was as if the breath could travel through the phone and plague her skin with the terrible stink. She could almost feel the warm breath on her neck. She turned her head in disgust at what her own mind was imagining.

_Wheeze… Wheeze…_

But still, she could hear it as clear as she had heard it on the phone moments before, and somehow, she could not get the thought of the call out of her mind. That sound… it seemed so… she couldn't put her finger on it. It was as if she could picture the mouth it came from in her mind, heard it somewhere before, felt like the breath coming from a mysterious thing behind her frozen body. Almost like that horrible wailing thing that had come right up right behind her amongst the tyrannical ruins of a child's birthday party. She had dreamt that same dream again last night and it just dawned on her now.

Yes, she remembered everything.

She had awoken in a sudden fright, stuck in a strange land, standing among a ruined birthday party. And there was that horrible thing behind her, creeping up on her again. But like most dreams, it was the thing that always chased you in the dark, the faceless spirits that sent a shiver down your spine - the ones who never quite crept up to you, never finished what they started, but always made you fear the moment when the waiting would be over, when it finally caught up with you, when you saw its true façade.

She looked around her room, suddenly feeling like a child scared and alone in the dark. Not even a moment later, every shadow cast around her room made her uneasy, making her feel as if there was someone hiding within the depths of her room, hiding behind her. She slowly sat upright on her bed, pressing her back against the cool wall, scanning her room. She felt beyond childish; knowing that even a child's fear disintegrated as soon as the lights came on to banish the darkness. She still felt apprehensive even though it was almost noon and there was indeed light in the room. If she listened faintly, she could hear the sounds of students outside, yet somehow, she felt alone and away from the rest of her world. It was just her and the shadows in her room.

Her eyes locked on her wardrobe, one of the doors were slightly open ajar. She could only see darkness within the small gap. Right now, her logic was telling her that this was stupid, that she was scaring herself for no reason at all, that it was all just a dream, that nothing that should affect her during the day. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was in there, watching her in the darkness, waiting for the right time to pounce on her. If she could shrink any further into the bed, she would have right then. The fear was overwhelming, even though it seemingly came out of nowhere.

"This is stupid," she whispered to what she knew was an empty room. Although her voice was barely audible, it sounded so loud in the silent room. She shook her head and repeated those same three words again.

Standing to her feet, she forced herself to walk towards the wardrobe, thinking that if she stopped, the fear would probably come back again. So she continued to move forward. To her relief, the more she moved the more the fear began to subside.

Her hand stopped on the wooden knob of the handle. Through the slit, she could just make out the interior of her wardrobe. Exhaling a breath she hadn't noticed she had held, Rinoa opened the door with her hand slightly trembling. For a moment, she had almost expected someone to jump out at her. The monster would lunge from its place in the darkness and attack her alone in her room.

"What am I, five?" she said louder this time, trying to ignore the pounding in her chest that beat harder when she opened the door.

Her fear was met with nothing more than a messy wardrobe filled with her own clothes. Just as she figured, she was scaring herself. Closing the doors properly this time, she looked around her room still not able to shake the feeling that someone was watching. Someone was here, she didn't know how, but she could sense someone.

It was then that the monster showed itself.

Her heart lurched in her stomach as she heard the bang of something behind her. Her childhood fear of the bogeyman had finally found her. The faceless monster of her dreams was now becoming a reality. Whatever it was, it was here in her room ready to face her. She turned around with a scream almost losing her balance and falling to the ground. For a moment, she thought that this would be it. She would fall and the mysterious being would envelope her in its horror. She stumbled, but somehow managed to regain her balance and found she was now face to face with… nothing.

The reality almost made her laugh out loud at her own stupidity. The door loomed in front of her and Rinoa heard another knock and a worried-sounding Selphie behind it, calling through the door, asking if she was okay. Her heart still beat rampantly in her chest, the thumping noise of it filled her senseless until it began to slow down. Like the light chasing away the nightmares of a child, Selphie's presence was all that was needed to take away the fear.

"Rinoa..?" Selphie called from behind the door. "Is everything okay?"

Rinoa simply stood there, looking at the door. Still unable to move from the previous scare, she felt herself calm down. She continued to feel uneasy, but with every breath, the imaginary fear of someone watching being washed away. It was on the third call that Rinoa moved to the door. Perhaps it was the fear that if Selphie gave up and left the door, figuring that she was somewhere else, the monsters would once again prey on her. Rinoa had already decided that she did not want to sleep alone tonight. She needed people right now, she needed her friends.

"I'm coming Selphie," she called as she made her way towards her door.

Upon opening the door, she saw Selphie's jaw drop as she saw the girl in front of her. Rinoa's face was pale and her were eyes red from crying after what seemed like a lifetime ago even though she could still feel the dampness on her cheeks. It almost made her feel embarrassed to be seen in such a state, disliking the way her friend looked at her with such empathy, yet… welcoming it on a different level.

"Hey Selphie…"

It was as if she were back moments before, as if seeing the sight of her friend brought the reality of her father's death right back to the front of her mind. She barely managed to greet her friend before her voice cracked and once again she was filled with an overwhelming sense of loss. There was a hole within her that could not be filled anymore. She was alone.

The girl at the door embraced Rinoa tightly, and right now, that was all the comfort she needed. She didn't want to be alone anymore, she _couldn__'__t_ be alone. Not in this room where all of her childish fears came back to life. So she clung onto her friend until her tears started to subside, glad to feel grateful for her friends. The people she had been avoiding were the ones she needed near her all along. Selphie didn't say anything since age had made her slightly change her ways although she was still the same spunky girl she had met at seventeen. Sometimes she just knew when to be there, even if it meant being there without saying a word.

Eventually Rinoa found the strength to release herself from her friend's grasp, realizing she had been stood in the doorway for sometime with her friend. People had walked past and stared, she'd heard them whisper quietly to each other, but right now she did not care what people thought of her.

"I'm sorry," she said wiping her eyes. "Do you want to come inside?"

Each word felt like a great effort to form, as if her lips were in some sort of vice, never to let her speak the words which would admit that she was upset and that she was hurting. But she had to admit it. Even though Rinoa had asked, it was Selphie who ushered her inside and sat her down on the bed.

"Lucky I brought some tissues," Selphie said with a smile, holding out a tissue in her hand.

Rinoa accepted her offer and reached out to grab the tissue but as she did, something caught her eye and her hands stopped still in the air. Another fear crept up within her as she saw Selphie's other hand. She couldn't explain why, but she already knew exactly what was going on and what Selphie's response would be.

"What are they?" she asked, pointing her head towards the flowers in Selphie's other hands as if she had never seen flowers before. She wished she didn't have to ask the question- or hear the answer, which was what she dreaded more- as she already knew what they were.

"Oh these," Selphie looked at them sadly a moment before handing them over to Rinoa. Sitting down beside her friend, she placed a hand on her grieving friend's shoulder. "I found them outside your room. I guess someone left them there for you."

"I guess they did," Rinoa heard herself saying as she found herself transfixed with the flowers with a strange feeling coming over her.

She knew they were from the same mysterious person who had left them in her very room. It was strange enough to know that some stranger had been in her room and left her flowers before. But this was different because these hadn't been outside her door when she had come in her room…had they?

She was sure that they hadn't.

These had been delivered when she had been sat in her room; only moments ago when only a wall had separated her from the mysterious person. Somehow they must have known that she was here, otherwise she would have guessed that they would have let themselves in. There was a strong sense deep within her that screamed that these were not flowers left in sympathy. This was something different.

Rinoa saw herself place the flowers down on her bedside table, and felt herself smile at her friend. It was almost as if she was not in control of her body, as if she was possessed and now, that this cool shell of a person was taking over. It felt like it was some sort of distant dream, something that she knew she should tell someone about. She also knew that she should be a hell of a lot more terrified and disturbed by this, but truthfully, she wasn't.

It was just another thing to add to the surreal number of moments she had lived since her father's death. Still, she expected to wake up and everything would be back to how it was before so she wouldn't have to feel so lost and confused. The things that scared her right now were the dreams she had in the middle of the night, the monsters that lurked in her wardrobe and under her bed. The childish fears of shadows and strange noises in the night were what scared her the most. Death and the strange flowers were simply extra; they set up the atmosphere to this strange dream world she was now living in.

Snapping out of her reverie, she returned back to her friend's attention. Selphie had been sat patiently waiting for her to come out of her thoughts. She wore a worried look on her face but Rinoa didn't mind. Just as long as someone was here and she wasn't alone she was okay.

"It's a stupid question if I ask how you're coping, isn't it?" Selphie asked tenderly, holding Rinoa's hand tightly. Her warm fingers contrasting with Rinoa's own ice cold hands.

Rinoa smiled, even allowed herself to let out a small laugh. "I guess," she responded slowly, her eyes turning to the flowers for a brief moment before forcing herself to look at Selphie. _Deal with grief now, the flowers can come later, _she thought to herself. And looking at Selphie, it was easy to concentrate on what was at hand. "I feel weird…"

Her friend looked at her curiously, of all the things she was feeling right now, 'weird' seemed to be the only fitting word to describe the mass of emotions running through her mind. It was as if a gate opened and she started to see things more clearly, she realized things she had not before. How she missed living in the ignorance that there wouldn't suddenly be a day where death would creep up on her in its sudden and uncalled way!

"I need to plan a funeral, and I don't even know where to start," she cried. Of all the things that were going through her head right now; _that_ seemed to be the only thing that made its way out into the air, made real as she finally spoke the words. It had become reality. "I don't even know where to start… what sort of funeral he would like… what music… I don't know anything… I don't know… him."

The words came out in short bursts, but they came, and they hit hard as they did, each reality much more hurtful, stabbing that much deeper. She suddenly felt so helpless and vulnerable, but she couldn't stop once she had started.

"I don't even know his favourite colours, or what his favourite songs were… I wouldn't know what to say… I didn't know who he was… I missed so much of his life from being angry at him…"

"Rinoa stop," her friend had been listening quietly, almost helplessly even. She took her friend's shoulders and looked at her desperately. Rinoa's eyes looked frantic like a scared child, but after a moment or two, she seemed to settle as her eyes focused on Selphie's face.

"I'll help you sort all of this out. We can plan the funeral together, and you can go to your home and find out about your Dad. There must be something in his house that would give you some clue about him and what he'd want."

Home. Back to Deling City, back to the house where she had grown up. The idea of going back there almost seemed wrong, especially now of all times. It didn't seem right when _he _wasn't there… but deep down, she knew this was the right choice.

"… When?"

"Tomorrow? Even tonight if you want, just as long as you go. You need to be where he is Rinoa. Not here, far away. You can't hide from this."

Rinoa slowly nodded her head. Yes, it made sense. At least she could maybe get away from the knowing looks from the students, the false sympathy… the strange flowers in her room. She was going... home, back to Deling City.

Back to her father.

* * *

_Sobbing… someone was crying in the distance. She tried to listen closer to see who was upset but the realms of sleep gripped tightly, not allowing her to awaken. Maybe that was the best thing right now. It was wrapping itself around her, numbing the confusion and alarm she should be feeling. And all the time that incessant crying continued, someone was weeping with such sadness. Sleep now.. Sleep tight. _

"_She's gone…. No… I can't believe she's… how can she be… gone? Oh my…"_

_The shattered glass along the floor glistened in the afternoon sun cascading though the window. The cool amber liquid was damp against her skin, and the smell of liquor was the first things to fill her senses. It was at that moment when her head began to throb and that she saw red mixing with the spilt alcohol, making a sickening cocktail. Above her, he stood in shock, panting for breath._

_She heard his apologies, but right now, they meant nothing. Of all the things that had happened in her life she knew one thing- it made her sick from the certainty of it all- _

_She hated him. She truly hated him._

It felt like being reborn. That was the best way she could describe it. It seemed though everything in her life had been part of another world, an entirely different dimension, one where things didn't seem so bad. But here, standing outside into the dark night, everything seemed so… new. She was looking at everything for the first time, her senses coming to life. She could feel the cool breeze running past her, playing with her hair and making her body run with shivers. The blue lights reflecting on the ground from Garden seemed so fascinating, almost magical. Above her was a vast sky of darkness, blanketed in thousands of tiny orbs; the stars that had once calmed her in that other life of hers. She now looked at them in bewilderment, they seemed to loom down on her with their careless beauty. Something that she once loved to look at during the night, was now something that seemed to mock her. She felt envious of how calm and serene everything looked, how nothing bad happening around here. But of course, she felt far from serene. She'd love to look up to the sky and feel awed by it. To actually see the beauty in the world no matter how bad life seemed.

Tonight however, everything was different.

She heard his footsteps before sensing his presence, but she already knew who it was without even having to shift her gaze from those damned stars. He stood quietly beside her, not speaking or giving her any sort of notice that he was present. He simply waited. It really was like being reborn again, everything felt new. It saddened her to realize that even her relationship with Squall felt slightly different, not quite the same as her first life. She wasn't sure how it was different exactly and why it saddened her, she knew she certainly didn't feel any less for him, but there was something missing. She wasn't whole anymore.

Her eyes fell to his face for a moment, realizing his attention was now on her briefly, a curious look in his features as he once again turned to the sky. Then he did something that saddened her even more—

He made small talk.

To any normal person, this would have been perfectly fine, but Rinoa knew her boyfriend didn't do small talk. And there it was. There was the changed thing in their relationship that would have never happened in Life Number One. Squall Leonhart was so uncomfortable around her right now that he actually felt the need to speak about nothing.

"It's a beautiful night," was that dreaded sentence he gave, the sentence that felt like a stab in the stomach for his girlfriend who had made the revelation of what was happening. "You watching the stars?"

Stab. Another pang of pain at the second sentence. She ignored it and forced herself to concentrate on the topic of conversation. Rinoa in Life Number One would have smiled and used that as an excuse to get closer to him, but Rinoa in Life Number Two just stood there feeling more and more frustrated at everything.

"No, I hate them," she responded as calmly as she could.

She ignored Squall's confused looked and kept her eyes ahead of her. A ball was forming in her throat for no particular reason at all and she had to keep her gaze firmly on the sky as an attempt to stop the tears from falling. Honestly, she had no idea why she felt like this, it was so random but, then again, it was a very strange time.

"They don't have any problems, they just constantly look so nice and peaceful and happy. I hate them.."

As soon as the words left her lips, she couldn't help feeling the idiocy at her words. Of course no one would understand the logic in being jealous at the stars. She looked timidly at Squall, fighting the urge to let the dam of tears fall.

"Rin…they're only a bunch of rocks in the sky." Squall said, feeling slightly confused and amused at the same time from his lover's strange outburst.

"That…must have sounded better in my head, huh?" Rinoa choked a half-laugh, half-cry.

She wasn't sure which of the 'halves' did it, but it was enough to release the tears she had been holding in. She allowed herself to be held into Squall's embrace, he never hesitated for a moment, not like he had all of those years ago. Resting her head against his shoulder, she grasped him as tightly as she could, she felt like if she let him go, she would lose what small amount of strength was left and breakdown completely. And right now, if she let go and allowed herself to cry, to really weep out loud, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop.

"I don't like this," she whispered, her warm breath tingling the skin on his neck.

He held her tighter, stroking his hand through the softness of her hair. He hated to see her upset, but somewhere deep down, he was glad that she was dealing with it now. He knew there was no wrong or right way of course, but seeing her act so normally at the death of her father, it disturbed him. It really did. Rinoa wasn't like that, she was emotional.

When she was angry, she let people know. When she was happy, she did the same. And when she was upset, well…he realized that maybe she had a good skill for putting up a façade when she needed to. But when he had seen her acting like it were any other day around the people she worked with everyday, as if nothing had ever happened, he wondered. That wasn't Rinoa…was it? The girl he had known was outspoken and always let people know what she felt and why.

Why didn't she this time?

Looking down at her, he studied her features for a moment. She was the same Rinoa he had always known and grown to love, but she had become different the last few days - which in its circumstance, was completely understandable but…

He guessed that he would be the one she would turn to when he pictured anything like this happening. She wouldn't feel like she needed to hide and push him away. It wouldn't have taken her a few days to even show the slightest bit of sadness whilst in his presence. But it had been completely the opposite.

"…You don't have to deal with this on your own Rinoa." He decided to speak the thought out loud rather than in his head. Maybe it would do more good out in the open, who knew?

Rinoa's weight shifted in his arms and he found her looking up at him, a sad smile in that beautiful face of hers. "I know."

He saw her stare at him expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate, knowing without really knowing that there was more to this. God, he hated this. Sometimes he wished that he could take the easy route and be how he used to be. No attachments, not having to worry about someone else. But on the other hand, he also knew deep down that he didn't believe that at all, that it would truly be the _easy_ way out. So, he did what he did these days, he elaborated.

"I've been trying to be there for you but," he began, "…I was under the impression that you wanted to be left alone."

Rinoa looked to the ground, suddenly feeling bad. She'd snapped at Squall the previous day whilst looking at the flowers and hadn't seen him since. How could she have forgotten about that? She hated arguments with anyone. Still, how she managed to not talk to anyone about something so significant in her life and not even notice struck her as odd.

"I'm sorry," she said slowly. "My mind's been all over the place… I just can't get my head around everything. Things are so strange recently, I can't concentrate on anything. It constantly feels like I'm in some sort of nightmare that I'm going to wake up from."

Squall squeezed her shoulder, wishing he could do something to make her feel better. "…Would that explain why you were going to leave for Deling City without telling me?"

He knew how hard this was on her, and he could see the hurt that spread through her features, but for some reason he felt the need to bring it up. _You__'__re a bastard, _he told himself.

"Selphie told me today and…I was wondering when you would too."

Rinoa put her head in her hands, feeling very foolish all of a sudden. "Squall, I completely forgot. I'm sorry." He stared at her with a look she could not read. Again, the tears began forming in her eyes. This time she didn't even try to stop them from falling. "I want you to come with me, Squall. It's just that I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what I need to do right now. It just really hurts. It hurts more and more each day and I'm just cutting people out of my life that I shouldn't."

She wasn't sure if what she had said even made any sense to him, she found herself feeling more hurt and upset than she had felt in a very long time. Eventually, she felt his arms wrap around her once more, his own way of saying her was still there. Somehow it felt relieving to finally break down just a little in front of someone. It was slight weight had been lifted from her shoulders, but there was still a massive load weighing her down.

As she clung to Squall, she couldn't help the childish fears creeping back to her, those childish fears of the bogeyman and the monsters under the bed. She was terrified to go back to Deling City, to go back in the very home that her father had once lived in. Everything in there was still his and it was such a big house with lots of empty rooms. The idea of being there, in a dead man's house, within the walls where he father had once walked within… it scared her. What if his presence were still there? It seemed so stupid, of all things right now, she should not be thinking of a fear of ghosts and the monsters, but her mind was very irrational right now, and that is what she was concentrating on. Her fear. The ghosts… the reality.

…_the memories_.

"Will you come?" she whispered through her thoughts. It was a hazy cloud between her thick confused thoughts and emotions and the reality of the world that was still going on around her. She felt Squall lips kiss her forehead gently, and her fears subside a little - a _little. _

"I'll come."


	5. Chapter 5

A Battle of Land and Sea

Chapter Five

_There's a ghost in my lungs and it talks in my sleep,_

_Wraps itself around my chest as it softly speaks,_

_Then it walks with my limbs, with my legs,_

_To fall at your feet._

**Florence and the Machine "Don't Tell Me"**

It loomed in front like some sort of haunted castle luring her inside. _Come to me. _It was everything she feared. There were far too many bad memories within this building. The walls were the only witnesses to the torment and the many things she wished not to remember. It was easy to forget about everything when she was away and this haunted house was no where in sight. But once she stepped within those omniscient walls, everything came alive again. The ghosts of the past came back to haunt her. Each time she came here, there was a horrible knot in the pit of her stomach. Today however, that knot had enveloped her entire being.

The car rolled to a stop at the side of the road and her old home was now in clear view just ahead of her. All she had to do was get out of the car and walk, but that horrible feeling kept her tightly in place. Paralyzing her. A light rain tapped on the windows and small droplets crashed down upon the window from the grey and cold sky — haunting and sad at the same time. Somehow everything seemed to fit her mood perfectly. It was as if it were some sort of omen, telling her that her instinct was right. She didn't want to come here. What she wanted was to drive away from here as fast as possible, to turn to Squall and tell him to put his foot down. But the logical part of her mind stopped herself. Logic was telling her that this is what she needed to do. She hated logic so much right now.

Letting out a long drawn sigh, trying to stall for some extra time, she turned her wide eyes towards Squall who sat quietly and patiently in the seat beside her. He watched her with curiosity and she knew he could sense her fears. Like an animal, he could almost smell it on her. But he never said anything, he didn't need to.

It was too hard to pretend that everything was some sort of twisted dream on this gloomy afternoon. She so sorely wanted to feel like she was in that same surreal state which had hovered over her in the last few days. Today, she felt more awake than ever, so much more aware of everything. There were no walls to hide behind. She was going right to the heart of the nightmare and wasn't sure if there was any way to change the direction the tracks were leading her to.

"I need to go on my own," the thought was said out loud rather than in her head and she guessed that was a good thing. She did not feel like she could control her body right now, it had taken on a life of its own and she was now here for the ride ahead.

This scared her, and it was something she didn't want to do on her own; but she had to.

"I need to do this by myself," she found herself speaking once more. Her voice sounded calm, the sort of voice that belonged to a strong-willed woman who knew exactly what was happening and took everything in stride — the complete opposite to the storm of emotions brewing inside of her.

Squall looked at her for a moment, studying her, taking in everything he could from this. It broke his heart to see her look like this, so frightened and wide-eyed like a small child. But he guessed that there was nothing he could do, only be there for her as much as she needed him. He was going to ask her if she was sure of her decision. Maybe she wanted him to walk her to the door and wait outside perhaps? He thought of many things he could have asked her.

"Okay," was the only response he found himself giving her.

Perhaps it was those wide eyes, the tired and worn look in her face. The face that was usually so alive and full of emotion was now dull and lifeless. He reached a hand out towards her and stroked her face gently, taking in every detail of it. The way she slowly closed her eyes, the small smile that appeared in the corner of her lips. It was only small, but it was there and it was like a life-preserver to him right now, showing that his lover was still in there somewhere, fighting the tides of sorrow.

"Take your time," he said, placing a kiss on her eyelids. He felt her arms clasp around him tightly, taking in every bit of comfort she could with her, as if she could try to suck some of the life from him into herself. Perhaps it could give herself some courage. She felt like she could do with some of that right now.

Releasing him from her grasp, she opened the door feeling the cool wind and the light drizzle of rain hit her face. It sent a shiver coursing through her and the warmth from Squall's body had immediately left her. She would truly be alone in that house of hers, no comforts at all in there.

Turning her head, she gave Squall one last longing glance, just wishing he could read her mind and take her away from here. But that wasn't what she really wanted was it? As she turned her gaze back to the house and made her way outside the door, she got all the answers she needed. Shutting the door behind her, she allowed her feet to move towards the house.

The first step seemed to be the hardest to take. It required all her strength and might, as if her legs were fixed to the ground somehow. One step, two steps, each one became a little easier, her feet feeling a little lighter as she made her way through the gates. She nodded her head silently to the guards who stood outside the house as they had done for many years now – her father's trusty men.

They both returned the gesture by giving a slow and deep nod of their heads, keeping their eyes on her the whole time. She had grown to know that look very well, the kind of look that told her that they were sorry for her loss. They had kept their thoughts to themselves, but their eyes had told her all that needed to be said. She made an effort to avoid their glances and walked faster, her feet scuffing loudly along the pebbled grounds leading up to the door of her home. Caraway's Mansion.

The house of so many memories…the majority of them not so pleasant.

Her heart pounded loudly in her chest, each thump exploding through her body. She kept walking, not daring to stop. She had to continue, otherwise, she'd be here for the rest of the day, not finding the courage to go in, but also not going back the way she had came. She had come this far and it wasn't quite time to give up yet. Looming ahead was the door, the entrance to all those secrets and the ghosts hidden deep in the cracks of the floor, smeared over the walls.

Another guard stood by the door, still doing his job even though his master was deceased. He gave a small bow to Rinoa. He was another guard who had worked here for many years. She dreaded to think how much they had known about what went on in the house. Surely they would have glimpsed at some things they probably shouldn't have. They could have overheard the shouting, the arguments, and had to stand there and not do anything because that was what their job. To stand, to not think about what was happening inside, just guard.

She found herself face to face with the door and for the first time since she had entered into the gloomy world outside the car, she stopped. For a moment, everything was silent apart from her thumping heart and the deep breaths she found herself taking. She held her breath to keep herself from screaming, to keep her from pretending this was some sort of dream. She needed to feel afraid, and to realize that this was real.

Placing her hands on the smooth and cool surface of the door, she saw that she had to take in everything that she could today. The last few days she had been roaming around in some sort of dreamlike state, but that wasn't an option anymore.

With what little strength she had at this time, she used all her energy to open it. It opened more easily than she had imagined it would as she found herself staring at the interior of the house. She felt the heat leaking out towards her, luring her in. She could faintly smell the familiar fragrance of her home. Her feet brought her forward and she closed the door behind her. Away from the rain and the dark clouds ahead…away from the rest of the world. Now it was simply her and the house.

At first, she wasn't really sure what she should do here, so she simply walked around, familiarizing herself with the place she had been away from for so many years now. She had come back every now and then, but only in short bursts. She had grown to hate this house and its memories. It always put her in an anxious mood and she would rather be as far away as possible. And so she walked, trying to ignore the constant fear in the back of her mind.

The first thing that struck her was at how normal everything looked. She wasn't quite sure what she was expecting here, but it felt more like she was walking through the house of someone who lived here, almost anticipating hearing him working if she pressed her head against the door of his office. Walking into the kitchen, she found a plate of half-eaten food, empty cups of coffee still left to wash. There was an ashtray holding the tips of cigarettes by the doorway. A lighter was beside it with his favourite brand of smokes, as he liked to call them.

Walking around some more, she found a newspaper left on the side, ready to be read. The date on it showed the same date he had died though. It was strange. She came here to make herself realize that he was gone. Yet, everything in the house seemed so lived in. So alive.

She felt drawn to her father's office, the place where he had spent most of his time in. He had stayed in there for hours sometimes, not leaving until very late at night and getting up early to start work in there. Once or twice she had found him asleep at his desk, although most of the time when that happened he had an empty bottle of liquor beside of him.

Opening the door, she looked around at the interior. She saw his usual desk and those awful chairs that he had acquired over the years. All of familiar things making her think that, somewhere in the back of her head, this wasn't as bad as she had expected it to be. Her heartbeat had slowed a little, not quite pounding in her rib cage, but still beating enough to hear it thumping in her ears. She'd grown used to this fearful feeling though, almost feeling grateful for it, knowing that without the adrenaline pumping through her veins, she would have not even come close to the house.

Her legs forced her forwards once more, bringing her up close to the desk where her father spent so much of his life at. The life that had now ended, she reminded herself. Pushing the thought aside for just a moment, she sat down at her father's desk, picturing what it would be like to be him. She looked at the same room he had worked in, sat in the very chair he had sat in and tried to use her senses to feel him. She could almost smell him here right now. Of all the places she had been in the house, his office was the one place she could sense him the most.

Pulling open a drawer, she rummaged around, not really sure what she was doing, but knowing full well what was happening at the same time. She wasn't quite sure if she was looking for something, yet she knew that the various envelopes and letters were not even close to what she wanted to find. She made her way through the rest of the drawers, rummaging around them, searching every crevice until she hit the jackpot. The drawer rolled open with a clang as a glass hit the side. And there it was right in front of her. The thing she hadn't really been looking for, but knew she would find. She was not surprised in the least as she found her father's favourite brand of whisky and a glass here in his desk.

Her father had been a heavy drinker for most of her life, and like majority of heavy drinkers, he always had given those empty promises of giving up. Although in the later years of his life his drinking had eased slightly, he still liked his spirits and a good drink at the end of the day. It had started after her mother's death, or perhaps he had drunk before that, she wasn't sure. What she was sure of was after her mother had died, her father always carried his whisky with him and a cocktail of cigarettes and liquor on his breath. Yes, he had made those empty promises of giving up the drinking and the smoking but he had evidently not fulfilled those promises he had made so many years ago.

She took out the large bottle of whisky and the glass, placing it on the desk in front of her. For a moment, she sat still and watched them. Then, with a little hesitation, she opened the bottle and poured herself a glass. She smelt the familiar aroma that it gave and instantly felt like her father was alive, more than ever right now. For the first time since coming here, she felt her eyes sting with tears. Not wanting to cry right now, she picked up the glass and took a large mouthful of the amber liquid - just the way her father drank.

It was a good distraction to suppress the urge to cry as she couldn't help pulling a face as she swallowed the warm liquid. It tasted awful to her and she couldn't help coughing a little but yet, she still found herself pouring another glass and downing the alcohol once more. If this was the only way she could feel close to her father then so be it. She was never a big drinker herself, but right now, it felt almost comforting to her.

_How ironic_, she mused to herself. Alcohol was one of the main factors that split her and her father apart but now, it was the one thing that made her feel close to him. She polished another glass off, pouring more liquor into the glass and placing it down, realizing that if she carried on this way, she would end up roaming around the house in a drunken state and that certainly wasn't what she wanted. She needed a clear head for this today.

_Maybe another glass would help with the anxious feelings_, she reasoned, _but no more after that_.

She swirled the liquor around slowly, deliberately to stop herself from drinking anymore. A memory came to mind, one that she had not thought of in many years. It was a time she would have wanted to forget, but it came fluttering back to her clear as the day it happened. She looked down at the whisky once more, and without thinking, downed another glass as she remembered that day she had come home from school. An adolescent fifteen year old, her head swimming from having…

… _Too much alcohol. She thought to herself, and gave out a little laugh. Leaning all of her weight on the door, she twisted open the handle, almost falling into the house. She tripped over herself, but somehow gained her balance using the walls for support. _

_Slamming the door shut, she wondered where the alcohol she had been carrying on the way home had disappeared to. Lost it somewhere, she guessed with a shrug as she made her way noisily through the house. She threw her shoes off her feet, watching as they flew helplessly along the floor in the middle of the corridor. It would do. She didn't particularly care right at this very moment anyway._

_She made her way through the house almost scratch-free, though she bumped into a table knocking its contents onto the floor. But apart from that, she thought she did quite well considering how much her head was spinning. On the way past her father's office she stopped briefly, looking at the closed door, knowing he was in there somewhere. She hadn't seen her father yet today, but even so she was extremely angry at him. A part of her wanted to waltz in there right now and tell him exactly what she thought of him, but the stinging pain in her legs stopped her from doing so. She would sort her injuries out first and find her father after. Yes, that seemed like a better idea. _

_The kitchen eventually came in sight through her blurred vision and she found herself rummaging through the fridge, finding a bottle of wine that would do just fine, given her current mood. She didn't care how ill she was starting to feel or how pissed off her father would be. All she cared about was doing the things he didn't want her to do as a big 'fuck you,' especially for him. _

_She turned on the sink's taps, resting her head in her hands and watching the cool water running beside her. Her knees were hurting. She could feel the warmth of the injuries, the pain still alive no matter how much she drank. Sitting beside the sink, she cupped some water in her hands and poured it on the open gashes on her knees. Memories of earlier came back to her mind and she couldn't help the tears falling and that anger rising within her. Wetting a towel, she bathed her hurt knees. It stung like hell even in her intoxicated state. Studying herself closely she found another open wound on her elbow and her cheek ached with a slow steady pulsating pain. She would most probably have a bruise there for the next few days, which was something she really didn't want. She'd hate people to ask her how she got these wounds, knowing full well that the people who caused them would not be impressed with her telling anyone who did this to her. _

_Wiping away a few stray tears she took a large mouthful of liquid from the bottle of wine. She could still feel the pain and the anger, and that meant she needed to drink more in her eyes. She'd seen her father do this often enough, as if it would somehow drown out the reality of his life that he was a single parent who was now also working all the time. She hated being his daughter. She was the one who had to walk in his shadow, the other teenagers at school shouting their opinions of him at her. As if she had anything to do with all that was going on in the government. _

_She shook her head as if the physical action would stop the memories and found herself laughing at her own stupidity. Sinking down to the floor with alcohol in one hand, wet towel in the other she found herself laughing in her drunken state. Nothing was particularly funny at all about the current situation, but it was a moment to cry or laugh. She chose not to cry. The alcohol was enough to half numb the seriousness of what had happened, yet the upset still lingered. She felt so weak right now, which she hated feeling. She'd spent so many years of her life feeling weak and this felt like an all time low. Life sucked, it was official. _

_It was at that moment when she saw him stand above her, a silent disapproval spread over his features. She wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, but right now, she didn't really care. She stayed on the floor, bathing her knees as if she hadn't noticed him at all. A heavy silence filtered through the room, and became like a shadow in the corner of her eye, one that she could not ignore and would not go away. She was just about to attempt to open her mouth to break the silence when she saw him move forward. Closing her mouth again, it was now her turn to sit still as he, almost too calmly, took the bottle of wine sat beside her and put it back in the fridge where it had come from._

"_I thought I saw you stumbling into the house," he said colourlessly, his back facing her as he slowly placed the fridge door shut._

_The first thought that came to mind was that he was sober. The first time in days she had come home from school and not find him intoxicated and she was the one under the influence. Typical. She stared at his back in silence, feeling the frustration building up within her. _

"_Since when did my daughter start drinking?" _

_Again, his voice had a strange calmness to it as he made his way across the kitchen. She heard noises above her, a clank of pots, the sound of running water and then the sight of a glass held in front of her face. _

"_Drink it."_

_Holding her hands out, she took the glass from his hands and took the smallest sip, placing it on the floor beside her. Done. That was as far as she was going to go at following his orders and it gave her a warm sense of satisfaction as she saw his unusually-calm face waver slightly, his annoyance evident but it looked like he was trying his hardest to hide it from her. She loved this game. _

"_Are you going to explain to me how you got into this state?" he pressed further._

_The teenager lifted her head to look her father in the eye; her voice was low but loud enough to give its designated effect. "Are you jealous you're not drunk yet?" _

_She saw the flash of anger flash in his eyes, the inner battle within himself to keep his cool. To not lose this game that she was playing. She smiled drunkenly at her father. _

"_You should be proud of me right now. I'm following in my _Daddy's _footsteps. I'm going to grow up and be an alcoholic, just like you."_

_The internal battle to keep calm went on, each blow from her part causing a bigger reaction from him, until she would eventually get an argument. Sometimes she had no idea how they had got into this strange habit, but it was something that seemed to happen more and more often. This was what their relationship had become. No matter how many professionals he had forced her to see, how many people who tried to help them, they couldn't help but stick to this awful tradition of hurting each other. _

"_Where did you get the alcohol?" her father said after a long silence. He was finding it harder to remain normal, but he wasn't going to let his daughter win this time. _

"_A boy gave it to me," she said with a smile which quickly evaporated. "Aren't you going to ask what happened to me? I'm sat here bleeding and all your bothered about is who gave me alcohol." _

_She could feel her own patience waver, now tiring of the stubbornness of her father. She was changing tactics, not wanting to be in his company much longer. _

"_I figured you fell over by the way I saw you stumbling into the house."_

"_Well that's not what happened," she shouted, her anger growing within her. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, the hot tears threatening to fall. "Because of you and your stupid job, people hate me. They beat me up because of everything that's happening in Timber, I'm being targeted when you're the one that's making this mess."_

_The General let out a sigh, seeing his daughter's wide and desperate eyes. "This is why I wanted you to go to private school. Those children don't understand. I honestly don't understand why you insist on going to a public school where they do this to you?"_

"_You're killing their families — I think they understand pretty damn well exactly what you're doing!" The dam within her eyes finally gave way and she felt the stinging tears once more. "I hate what you do for a living… I **hate** you." _

_He looked at her with anger in his eyes for the first time without hiding behind the calm exterior. The tables had shifted now and he really wasn't in the mood for her to make him feel like a bad person. _

"_You don't understand, Rinoa, you're still young."_

"_You're a murderer," she yelled. "No wonder Mum hated you, after seeing exactly what you do and what scum you are. It's a wonder she even stayed for so long."_

"_Enough," the General snapped. "Go to your room. I don't want to see you for the rest of tonight."_

_The girl stood to her feet in outrage, knocking the glass of water across the floor. _

"_I'm going out," she said before walking away back towards the door. She could hear him behind her, his anger rising all the while. It was when she looked over her shoulder and saw the look in his eyes that she felt the fear rising through her. _

_As she felt his arm grab her arm tightly, she had the horrified realization that she had never seen him this mad before. She didn't like that look in his eye and, for the first time in her life, she felt scared of her father. She felt him harshly pull her backwards, losing her balance as her body collided with something. There was a shattering smash when…_

…The glass collided with the floor. Taking deep breaths, she tried to cool her anger, telling herself that she should not be thinking these things. She was grieving for her father, she should **not **be thinking of these things. Wiping away at her tears, she began clearing away the broken shards of glass on the floor, amazed at how angry the memory still made her. Of course, that had been the beginning of a terrible night, but she had to push the thoughts out of her mind. She wasn't ready for any of this just yet. Right now, she needed to think of her father and somehow figure out what she was going to do with what he had left behind. There was so much in his home and it took an enormous amount of effort to make her way out of the office and into another room. A room which didn't bring back those memories she wished she didn't have.

* * *

There was a loud clatter as the folders fell to the floor. The young woman cursed under her breath as she bent to pick them up. Sighing to herself, she stacked the many pieces of paper and folders in her arms and began walking once more. Looking over her shoulder to make sure no one saw her, she made her way towards the dormitory area. She couldn't help the slight guilt that she felt, Irvine had told her not to work so often but she couldn't help herself. She was heavily pregnant but it just felt wrong to sit and do nothing.

Keeping herself occupied was the one thing that kept her sane, and no matter how pregnant she was, she needed to be active. Of course she knew Irvine was being overprotective. It was as if he was treating her like she had an illness rather than like she was bearing his child.

Shaking her head at the thought, she walked along the corridor. She may not be able to work and teach her students properly, but she was certainly going to try and be the instructor she'd proudly become over the last year. It seemed so strange, after remembering so vividly when she was in the shoes of the students she now taught. Things have sure changed over the years. They were all growing up and for some of them, more than others it seemed. SeeD was not a big a part of their lives anymore, at least for her. Squall was still as devoted as ever, same with Quistis and Zell. For Selphie, her main love was teaching young students rather than the physical side of SeeD.

Looking down at her swollen belly, she couldn't help the smile form on her lips. Parenthood was something that none of them had really thought about too deeply, it was something she had imagined a long time in the future. She felt that knot twisting in her stomach, an experience she had had a lot over in the past months whenever she thought too hard about anything. At first, she had thought it was just something that came with the fear of having a child, that it was just a phase and that it would disappear from her thoughts. The reality however, had been quite the opposite. The more she pondered about this, the more right it seemed.

She no longer wanted to be a SeeD…

It made her feel guilty whenever her mind put it so bluntly like this. SeeD had been her entire life and now she was just going to walk away from it. She could hardly comprehend thinking such things let alone speaking them out loud. As much as she wanted to tell herself that she was being stupid, that she should give it some time and see what it was like after she had her child, she also knew this would be it, once she stepped into parenthood she could no longer work here or be a part of SeeD.

Perhaps this was why she constantly felt the need to be the teacher, why she was bringing marked work to her students rather than waiting for her class to start in the morning. She wanted to savour every moment, work as hard as she could and try to make that extra bit of difference before her time was done. She may be seven months pregnant and have people constantly telling her to not to work and take her maternity leave but they just couldn't understand.

She had to do this for as long as she could, because no matter how much she loved her time at both Trabia and Balamb Garden, it was the end of her military life. She'd already fought her last battle but she was certainly not ready to teach her last class yet.

Sometimes she wondered if Irvine knew what was going through her mind. They had moved out of their dorms and into a house in Balamb since Garden didn't cater for pregnancies or new families. That was another gate closed in her eyes, the day she moved out of her dormitory. Another thing that made her realize that her time at Garden was coming to an end was that she was already halfway through the process, the only thing she had left to do was hand in her notice. It was easy, but far too hard at the same time.

She had lost count how many times she had tried to tell Irvine, to tell them all what she was thinking. They all seemed so lost in their own lives which all highly involved Garden. They'd all grown up at the same orphanage, taken the same route into SeeD, shared the same journey, and now it felt like she was the first to fall behind and not follow suit.

How was she supposed to tell everyone that she was giving up on the only thing any of them had ever known?

It frustrated her sometimes. Did they even know there was a whole world out there that all of them could be a part of? She wondered what career path she would have gone down if things had been different, would she have still chosen SeeD?

With a frustrated sigh, she continued down the corridor to her students' room. She didn't know where this had come from. Sure, she knew pregnancy would change her hormones, but could it really make her question everything about herself? Because apparently that is exactly what it had done to her.

Up ahead, she was coming up to where Rinoa's own dorm was. At the thought of her friend's name, she felt a sadness grow within her. Rinoa had always been Rinoa, always wore her heart on her sleeve and never was afraid to show her emotions. Yet, in the last few days, the poor girl looked so lost and confused.

She remembered the other day when she had visited her in her room. How frightened she had looked throughout their time together. She knew that it was a big shock, of course, it had shocked them all, but it was the way she seemed to be handling the situation that scared her friends the most. Rinoa had never isolated herself or shied away from anything, but now all of her friends were lucky if they even got to see her, even Squall.

Selphie bit her lip, a habit she had picked up over the years when she began to worry. She remembered a few days ago, she had seen Rinoa literally running into her dorm as if she was afraid of something. Perhaps she should have gone after her and seen if she was okay, but her friend seemed such a closed book that she wasn't sure if there was anything anyone could do. All of them knew that Rinoa had difficulties with her father; she had very rarely mentioned anything about her upbringing or anything about him. Everyone had learned to accept that this was a taboo subject for her, that whatever had happened in the past to make their relationship that bad was not going to be shared.

Selphie wondered if her friend would feel guilty at never making amends with her father. Perhaps that made sense as to why she was acting so strangely, it was a perfectly natural reaction in such circumstances. His passing was so out of the blue, no one saw it coming. Rinoa wasn't to blame for that, but if she felt like she was, then how would she ever learn to forgive herself?

Shaking away the thought, she made it her mission to do something special for her friend upon her return. She needed to make Rinoa smile and feel like her usual self, even if it was only for a few hours. She must have been going through so much at the moment. Selphie herself couldn't imagine how it felt to have a wedding and a funeral to plan. It was such a bittersweet time.

Stopping in her tracks abruptly, Selphie found herself looking at the door of Rinoa's dorm. It was slightly ajar and beyond it, she could hear sounds coming from within. Rinoa had only left a few hours ago. They hadn't come back so soon, had they? Perhaps she wasn't ready for all of this yet, Selphie reasoned as she made her way to her friend's door. If her friend had found it too hard and bailed out then she would be there for her.

"Rinoa, are you oka-" her voice stopped abruptly as she pushed the door open only to find herself staring at someone who was in no way Rinoa.

What happened next was so fast Selphie hardly had the time to register what had happened. That had happened when she found herself thrown on the floor from the impact of the stranger as he fled the room. The pain kicked in as she collided with the floor. She didn't get chance to see his face, only she could tell it was a male figure.

Clutching her swollen belly as she lay on the floor, her students' work splayed all around her. She felt scared for two reasons. He had collided with her stomach when he quickly ran and there was a pain running through her body as panic hit her and the second shock was the flowers the man had dropped on his way. They were the same flowers she had seen outside Rinoa's door the other day. The ones Rinoa had looked at in horror as if they weren't flowers at all but a monster in her hands. Something was happening.

Another wave of pain went through her. She clutched her stomach tightly and bit down hard on her lower lip through the sobs that were now escaping her.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Battle of Land and Sea**

Chapter Six

"_It's the quiet night that breaks me,_

_I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place,_

_It's the quiet night that breaks me,_

_Like a dozen paper cuts that only I can trace"_

"_Carry the weight_

_I'll carry the weight of you, I swear_

_Carry the weight_

_I'll carry the weight of you"_

**Vienna Teng****, "Nothing Without You" and "Enough To Go By"**

The girl sat down on the bed with a thud. With her arms crossed, she stared at the insolent man above her. He didn't seem to mind though; the amused grin on his face was enough to show he didn't take her glare too seriously. She watched as he made his way towards her and bent down to delicately take off her shoes and thoughtlessly discard them across the floor. The sentiment was nearly there, but it was obvious that putting things neatly didn't seem to be his top priority right now.

She stayed in her rigid state as she saw him lean towards her and felt his lips brush her cheek as he kissed her before placing a hand delicately on her stomach.

"Stay." he softly ordered before standing and leaving the room.

It was when he left that Selphie let out an exasperated sigh. They were back home, away from Garden and the infirmary where she had spent the last few hours. Someone had found her on the floor and taken her to the infirmary where she simply lied there, feeling helpless as Dr Kadowaki checked to see if she and her baby were okay. It appeared that Selphie had cushioned most of the fall and that everything was fine, the extent of her injuries nothing more than a bruised behind. That she could handle. It was better than if…

She sat up slightly as she listened to the clattering noises throughout the house. She had no idea what Irvine was doing down there and a big part of her wasn't sure she wanted to know. Leaning back once more, she found herself picking up a magazine and idly flicking through it. Irvine had insisted that they go home and that she rest.

Unfortunately for her, that 'rest' would mean that she wouldn't be allowed to move from this spot the next six hours save for bathroom breaks. While she knew that Irvine worried more than he cared to let on, she also knew that it was because he loved her and their unborn child.

…_Than if something had happened to her baby._

The thought finished itself off, came fluttering back even though she had tried to push it to the back of her mind. She was usually good at distracting herself away from her worries, but not this time.

What would she have done if something had gone wrong?

That scared her more than anything. Although she had never met this beautiful being growing inside of her, she'd already developed a huge bond with it. She loved being pregnant and wanted more than anything to be a parent, but if something were to happen…

That was what had terrified her more than anything.

The familiar sounds of footsteps made their way down the corridor and Selphie found herself drawn away from her thoughts once more as Irvine made his way back into the bedroom. She looked up from the magazine she had shown little interest in to find Irvine placing something down by the bedside table with a smile on his face.

"I made you lunch in bed," he said, almost a little too proudly of his efforts.

" ...Thanks." Selphie said, turning back to the magazine and began flipping through the pages once more. "Toast and orange juice, my _favourite,_" she spoke, words dripping with sarcasm, although her face smiled at him brightly. She loved to tease him.

The cowboy let out a smile as he lay on the bed beside Selphie. "Don't say I never do anything for you."

He watched as his girlfriend's attention stayed focused on her magazine, the only part of her that seemed to acknowledge his words was the hand she used to tentatively pat him on the head like a dog rather than a boyfriend. Regardless, the gesture still managed to amuse him.

"How's my boy doing?" he asked, lying on the bed beside her as he placed his head on her belly. "Is he doing okay since the tumble you had?"

"_She's_ doing fine," Selphie narrowed her eyes in mock anger before letting out a giggle.

Neither of them cared about what gender their baby was and had chosen to keep it a surprise for when the day came they would find out. Just as long as everything was safe and fine, that was all they worried about.

_Safety. _

Perhaps that was another reason why she wanted to turn her life well away from Garden, but then again, that was a haunting thought she wouldn't speak out for quite a while.

"He's a fighter," Irvine chuckled at his girlfriend's reaction, "Must have inherited it from his mother."

"Sure did." Selphie agreed. Her response was simple, but in her head, she couldn't help the surge of thoughts that echoed through her.

How would he react if she told him the truth – that she didn't want her child to be a fighter of any kind? That just wasn't the life she wanted anymore. Would he be angry with her?

She wasn't sure, but what she knew for certain was that today would not be the day she would speak her thoughts aloud. Maybe tomorrow she would tell him, or next week...just not today. It was too soon.

A comforting silence fell over the couple as they lay on the bed in their house. Everything that surrounded them was shared. They had built their relationship up so much over the last few years that it was almost scary just how easily everything had gone.

Perhaps it was because they were both so laid back, or maybe they complimented each other well with their different personalities. For now, everything was strong, they were okay. As long as she didn't say what was in her heart, everything would be fine, wouldn't it?

Following the same old routine was the safest route to go right now. No life-changing decisions being voiced whatsoever.

"What do you think happened in Rinoa's room today?" Selphie spoke up, effectively breaking the silence. Somehow dealing with another's problems seemed so much easier than her own, no matter how much her own disturbed her. "It seems a little weird... don't you think?"

Irvine shrugged, "According to Cid, it's not the first time there's been a robbery. It only takes one person to do something like that and Rinoa's dorm was the unfortunate room that was picked by the guy. They'll find out who he is and throw him out of Garden. Don't worry about it."

But Selphie did worry...a lot. She remembered the flowers on the floor, those same flowers that she had found outside Rinoa's door the day before. It almost made her shudder to remember the haunted look in Rinoa's eyes.

That's what it had been hadn't it?

Selphie had mistaken it for grief at the time, but looking back now, it must have been fear Rinoa's eyes were coloured with. Was there something going on?

"Something doesn't add up though," she said, "Rinoa's been acting strangely, she's not herself at all."

Irvine lifted his head towards Selphie, "She's grieving, remember? What are you suggesting happened?"

Shrugging her shoulders, Selphie shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "While she does seem have a lot on her plate right now...something's still off. Maybe I shouldn't tell her what happened."

"She doesn't know?" Irvine asked. He saw Selphie shake her head slowly, a guilty look forming in her features. "I guess there's no point worrying her right now. Maybe we should tell Squall at least?"

Tossing her magazine to the side of her, Selphie rubbed her belly, something that had become a habit during her pregnancy. "That sounds like a good idea." And then slowly, almost inaudibly, she spoke again. "It just feels like something is really wrong."

"There is something wrong," Irvine spoke; his gaze distant and fixated on the ceiling above them. "The best thing we can do is be there for her. It's hit her hard, anyone can see that. While it's not like they had the best relationship in the world, I'm sure she still has a lot to deal with."

"Yeah," Selphie responded, pushing her hair behind an ear. "And unfortunately, she'll have a lot more to deal with when she finds out what's happened today."

* * *

_Steps collided with the cobbled driveway as the young girl made her way up the driveway. Her steps became faster as she saw her destination finally coming into view. She let out a small smile a__s she looked up at the blue sky. It was an unusually hot day and even though it was turning into late afternoon, the sun still gave off powerful heat waves, never seeming to lose strength as the day was coming to an end. _

_Adjusting her school bag on her shoulders__, she managed to take those final steps towards the door. Normally, she would have taken the bus but since today was such a nice day, she decided to walk. Although it was quite far, she didn't mind; not today anyway. The sun seemed to be shining brightly and after having such a long day at school, she felt the need to take a more scenic route home. _

_The soldiers stood at the doorstep as they always did, nodding nonchalantly just like they did every day as she made her way through the door. Once inside__, she placed her bag down on the floor, finally feeling glad that it was Friday and that she would have the weekend ahead of her. Once again, picking up the heavy bag, she began walking once more towards the steps which led up to her room, humming a tune in her head at the same time. _

"_You're late."_

_The young girl turned around__, startled by the sudden voice from behind her. And seeing the figure of the man stood in the doorway, her good mood instantly dissolved into nothingness. His shirt half-hung out of his trousers scruffily and his hair seemed to have developed a life of its own, sitting in an unruly mess. She stood there silently, watching as he took another mouthful of the liquor in his hands. _

"_Did you not hear me? I said you're late," he growled with more force this time._

_Immediately__, the young girl took a step back, not wanting to be in his way at seeing his anger. "I'm sorry," she apologized, her head turned to the floor._

_A silence passed over father and daughter like a chilling draft__, leaving her feeling uncomfortable. She couldn't help holding her breath as she felt his harsh stare burn into her as her gaze stayed firmly on the ground. The twelve year old stayed frozen, waiting for him to move once more. She didn't care what he did right now, just as long as his eyes weren't on her any longer. It was growing unbearable. _

_Out of the corner of her eye__, she saw his shadow move slowly towards her and his feet echoing loudly on the wooden floor. She felt the weight of his heavy steps vibrating the ground beneath her feet as he came closer to her. It took all her might for her not to turn and run away from her father. She had not seen him act this way before and she couldn't help the rapidly growing panic rising up inside of her. Something about him just seemed... so different. As he came to a stop momentarily to take a few more big mouthfuls of the alcohol from the bottle in his hands, she watched as he stumbled slightly. The level of concentration he was using to get his balance back shifted to her once more._

_Somewhere bet__ween his approaching gait and her inner battle to stand still where she was, she had found herself with her eyes tightly closed, adopting the notion that if she couldn't see it, it wasn't there. It was the childish thoughts that somehow seemed to comfort her most in the moments of fear. She could hear her heart beating loudly within her chest, feeling her veins pulsating as the blood rushed through her being. _

_A loud clatter filled the room, forcing her eyes wide open as she heard a cry of pain. A puddle of amber liquid reached out towards her dampening her shoes. She looked to see her father fallen on th__e floor from losing his balance, his drunken state seeming more obvious to her now. She watched as he placed his hands on the glass scattered on the floor to aid himself into a standing position. He didn't seem to notice when the shattered remnants of bottle had cut through his skin, causing crimson droplets of liquid to run down his hands like tears. He looked around the floor in a confused daze, and wanting nothing more than another drink. _

"_Look... look what you've done," he mumbled barely inaudible. He spun a little too fast, and she almost expected him to fall over again. Yet, he seemed to have gained his composure somewhat. His eyes settled on her once more, narrowing slightly. This time, she did not struggle to hear her father's words as he almost spat them in her face._

"_Look at what you've made me do!" he screamed._

_When s__he felt the saliva hit her face, she couldn't stay stood still. Her feet started to move, not really sure in what direction they were taking her. It didn't seem to matter the moment she felt his hand clasp tightly around her wrist, dragging her towards him._

"_I didn't do anything," she mumbled as the tears now made their way down her cheeks. "You fell over and I don't know. I- I didn't mean to-"_

_Her words were cut short as she felt herself dragged up the steps. His arms__ tightened even more on her arm and she found herself unable to do anything but let him lead the way. What had she done? She wasn't entirely sure, but then she had a feeling that she didn't have to do anything wrong for him to act like this. Perhaps he already knew he was taking this out on her. In time, she would learn that this would become his normal drunken ways, but right now, she was scared and alone. As she felt herself being pushed into her room, the tears welled in her eyes from the pain around her wrist._

_He stared at her for a moment, almost as if he knew __that deep down, his daughter had done nothing wrong, that this was his irrational way of venting out his own inner demons. The thought didn't seem to last long however as the door slammed shut and she stared helplessly at it when she heard a metallic click of a lock. It was at that moment when her legs could no longer carry her weight and she collapsed onto the floor. _

"_What did I do?" she cried to the door. Her father was already long gone._

_

* * *

_

It was starting to rain again.

She watched as the first droplets hit the window, the water crashing against the surface of the glass. Below her, the streets which were illuminated by the amber glow of the street lamps which were hit by the first drops of water. It began slowly at first and then it quickly changed into heavier rain, the paths becoming wet and shining under the lights of the city. People ran past in search of shelter away from the rain and the cold wind brewing outside. The wind raced through the trees, swaying them from side to side.

The sky was mainly dark, but in the distance, she could see the purple colours from the last signs of day as the sunset faded into black. She wasn't sure how long she had been standing at the window, watching the sunset and the people below her who were walking through their daily routines, not even aware of the girl looking down at them, simply watching everything go on below her feet as she stood in the silence of the hotel room.

She couldn't even remember the last time she had stayed a night in Deling City.

But those times long ago were visits during day and she was staying here for as long as was needed to sort through everything. To sort the funeral and the many items lying within the walls of his now-empty house.

She felt a shiver run through her and once again, she began looking towards the sky where the glowing orbs above her twinkled in the heavens. She would look for shooting stars, she thought to herself. That was always something that always brought comfort when she needed it most. The blanket of sky above her may have once been the place where, what seemed like a lifetime ago now, she had floated along helplessly, just waiting to die, but it would always be the one thing that would make her feel at least a little more content- when her feet were planted firmly on the ground that is.

She felt the now-almost familiar pangs growing within the pit of her stomach, almost like a piece of her was missing and nothing she did would be able to make it go away. She'd left the house earlier today after being in there a few hours. The memories were almost overpowering her now, like snapshots and mental images of her past life. Things she hadn't thought about, things she hadn't felt in years which were now floating to the surface again. And even worse, she was getting all her childish fears back again. She was having nightmares, she was afraid of the dark, afraid of the thing lurking just behind her... the thing which she hadn't been able to turn around and see. But she had felt its warm breath on her skin. It had felt so real. So vivid... Yes, there were a lot of childish thoughts running through her mind right now.

She turned her attention back down to the streets below and watched as a couple walked past and disappeared out of her view of sight. Letting out a small sigh, she focused her thoughts back on the time at the house. Something had happened there, something had triggered off those childish thoughts of hers. She had run out of the house so fast with her heart pounding in her chest. Thinking back, now she couldn't help but feel slightly stupid at her reaction.

"_What do you think of irises?"_

There had been a noise, the sound of a door slamming from somewhere within the house. She had heard footsteps walking through the hallway and then a few more steps before everything went silent once again.

Holding a picture in her hands at the time, she stood frozen as a cold chill ran through her. Her heart had skipped a beat and then started up again, louder and harder than before. Her eyes were wide as she waited in the silence of the room until there was another sound – a bang from the same area.

This time, she didn't freeze but the picture fell from her grasp and shattered upon impact with the floor. She bolted to the door, ignoring the guards on the outside of the house. She didn't care what it looked like; all she wanted to do was be as far away from the house as possible right then. She was sure that there was a plausible explanation for the sounds since her father's home always had visitors who came and went. Maybe if she hadn't been so scared she should have stopped and asked one of the... _What?_

As the voice finally registered, she turned on her heels to face the speaker. He was looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer. His only response from her was a dazed and confused look as she saw him sitting on the bed with lots of magazine cuttings and pieces of paper scattered all over it. She felt a pang of guilt as she realized that she had been standing by the window, too deep in her thoughts to even notice Squall or what he was doing.

"I'm sorry, what?"

She still looked confused as she began to walk towards him. As she approached the bed, Squall handed her one of the many pieces of paper he had scattered around him. She held it in her hands as if it was a foreign object before turning her eyes at what she saw was a picture on the paper. Raising her eyes back to meet his once more, she couldn't help but feel even more confused. She really had missed a lot whilst being lost in her own thoughts.

"Flowers?"

By the look on his face, she realized that Squall wasn't going to elaborate, making it seem as if it was the most obvious thing in the world for him to hand her a picture of some flowers. Looking onto the bed, she saw piles of different magazine cuts outs and pictures of other flowers scattered over the bed.

"Well done," Squall replied dryly. She noticed his lips upturned slightly in a smile that was barely noticeable but those who knew him well enough could detect when the once- cold commander was showing signs of emotion. Some habits died hard.

He picked another picture off one of the many piles and handed it towards his girlfriend, giving her that same look as before. Again, she figured she must have seriously missed something whilst being lost in her own thoughts.

"You've developed a sudden liking for floral arrangements and want my approval?" she questioned, a smile growing on her lips. The first true smile she had given in what seemed like too long. "You're replacing your leather fetish with flowers?" she added, still unsure as to what all of this was.

When he met her gaze with a glare, which seemed to be holding a hint of playfulness within it, she couldn't help but laugh, it felt good. It felt relieving, like a weight had ever so slightly shifted from her shoulders. For the first time in a long time, she felt happy... she felt normal; she felt that she really could get through all of this.

Turning back to the pictures in her hands, she sat down on the bed beside Squall. "Are you going to tell me what all of this is yet? That is, unless if you want me to continue the inappropriate guesses."

"...You have more suggestions?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Hundreds," Rinoa said enthusiastically. "Although my next guess would be a nice floral design printed on your gunblade or a-"

Rinoa's words were ended as she felt his hands pull her towards him and his lips pressed against hers. His kisses were light and gentle and she suddenly realized how much she had missed him and...how much she had neglected him during the last few days. It felt like she hadn't spoken to him in weeks and suddenly, the effects were finally letting themselves known. She pressed her lips against him once more, before he pulled away resting his forehead against hers.

"Stop talking," he said, barely above a whisper as his hand pushed her hair behind her ear.

"...Did I guess right?" she asked as he planted a kiss on her forehead before turning back towards the scattered papers across the bed.

"I said stop talking," he shook his head at her words, giving her a disapproving look.

In spite of this, he couldn't help but smile as she gave him her best innocent face and moved closer to him resting her head on his shoulder. She was being herself again and it was a great relief to see her this way. He'd watched her for a long time tonight, noticing how she was in her own little world. She'd hardly spoken a word to him since she had come from her father's house so he guessed that in time, she would talk more about what was going through her head. She seemed okay at the moment so that was all that mattered.

"It's for the wedding," he finally answered, placing an arm around her waist. "Selphie's been pestering me to help out with some of the arrangements for a while. For some reason, she put me in charge of centerpieces for the tables, because you're... busy."

Busy? That was an interesting way to describe what she was going through. Rinoa felt a mix of emotions run through her; the reality of what had happened hitting her once more. She felt a little angry by his phrasing of what she was going through, but at the same time, she felt happy. He was trying, they were all trying. She had to keep reminding herself of this fact, so she let his comment slide. As much as she wanted to get upset, to be angry or just do... something, she let it pass. Right now, what she needed most was a piece of how her life used to be. She needed him.

A smile formed on her lips as she looked down at the bed, seeing all of the research Squall had put into his task. Of all the emotions that she had gone through the last week, she did the only thing she could at the given moment.

She laughed.

Squall looked at her, almost shocked at her reaction. His choice of words was not the best phrasing in the world as he had inwardly cringed as soon as the words escaped his mouth. He expected her to be angry at him and when she had remained silent he mentally berated himself for how insensitive he had sounded. The woman beside him made a sound and he thought she was crying at first. What an idiot, he told himself over and over. Squall faced Rinoa, about to apologize when he realized the sound wasn't crying.

Was she... _laughing_?

"What's so funny?" he asked, bewildered by her reaction.

Rinoa looked at her boyfriend, her laughter becoming uncontrollable, loving every moment of it. It was as if the more she laughed, the more she felt alive.

"You... and flowers..." she tried to speak. It took a moment to compose herself before she could look at Squall more seriously. "I swear Selphie's sense of humour has got worse since pregnancy... Do you need any help?"

"_Yes_," Squall replied, a rare true smile on his lips. "Honestly, all flowers look the same to me and I don't know where to begin."

Rinoa turned to look at Squall in silence for a moment before wrapping her arms around him. He seemed slightly startled by her sudden actions, but his arms soon made their way around her as she rested her head against his shoulder. She loved moments like this with him, when it was just the two of them away from SeeD and everyone else. These were the times where he would show her his true side and not have to hide behind his usual professional manner.

"I missed you," she said after a moment of taking in the strangely foreign feeling of him holding her close, the sensation of him stroking her hair gently in the safe haven within his arms.

While the thing in the dark was lurking somewhere and she could sense it, but for now, it could wait. All that mattered right now was that she felt safe and happy with Squall by her side.


End file.
